Writing this blog has been incredibly cathartic for me. It has allowed me to look at my Tranny side and endeavour to analyse why I am a Tranny and why I indulge it so much. It has allowed me, in part, to evaluate why I enjoy this lifestyle so much and realise there is no perfect answer just some good generalities. As a result I don’t dwell on the worries so much and just have fun. However recently this ‘get on and enjoy it girl’ mentality has thrown up a much bigger issue is that Tara is in essence a selfish and self-centred individual. I have become someone who eschews the real things pursuing a hedonistic pastime indulging in the lesser aesthetic needs. I love the fact that I have a much freer lifestyle it has on the flip side a much more damaging effect on the one I truly love.
After another recent argument with my wonderful, adorable, understanding girlfriend the other night, and they have become more frequent, I realised I had a problem, which after a lot of soul-searching I realised a lot of Trannies must have.
Let me go back. For years I was the typical closet cross dresser. Stealing moments of dressing time, going out rarely, hiding clothing in weird and wonderful places, hiding it from my wife and hiding in general from the world. I was wondering all the time what was my sexuality and what drove me down this path. But as I had no chance of gratifying or satisfying these needs more often I just put it down as a pastime in which I would indulge from time to time. Most of it was lived in my head , and on-line not in reality. Thank God for the internet for keeping me sane! Then I divorced and met my perfect soul mate who likes, or I thought liked, both sides. I was now given free rein to dress more or less as often as I wanted and go out as I pleased. I was given the perfect life. Nothing shocked her I could yield to the fun side and she knew all my dark places. I could dress at home, go out to clubs, be my flirty self as much as I liked, always with my partner there or thereabouts. I was focussed on Tara for the first time in my life and I went for it. God how I went for it!!!
But after our argument the other night It dawned on me that the girl was becoming too strong a drive in our relationship. She had become a bit like, a drug an itch that had to be scratched, an open wound! My girlfriend was concerned that as in many relationships she had had or been involved with TV’s that the 10% of the time Tara was around was becoming all-consuming with the fear that it might become 50% or even more. On top of that Tara was not interested in her or what we were doing. I said this was rubbish and that both Tara and The Boy loved her.
But after we went to bed the brain started ticking. I looked at myself objectively. I was lying in bed with my toenails painted, shaven from head to toe, my eyebrows waxed, shaped and tinted, my face had had a good couple of treatments, I was concerned that my fingernails were not growing fast enough and I was looking forward to receiving my next purchase from eBay. Over the next month we were going out about 6 times (in the past I would be lucky to get out 6 times in a year). I would get irritable if I was not allowed the time and space to transform into Tara and blamed her for a lack of understanding of my predicament. I got frustrated if we did not have ‘Tara Time’ on a regular basis and got really hacked off if she did not come out because she was too tired. It was me me me. I had become the beast and not realised it!
Lying in bed the other night, well it’s obvious I do my thinking there, I had an epiphany. What the hell was I doing. Why had I become such a self-centred slut. What was driving me? I realised it was a combination of new-found freedom combined with advancing age, I am in my late fifties. I had been trying to make up for lost time and to enjoy as much as I could before the ravages of age set in…too late!
I understand now that this has been the classic example of someone being offered the forbidden fruit and pursing it whole heatedly to the exclusion of others who they hold most dear. It has to stop, or are least be seriously reigned in, for order to be re-established and for the benefit of the thing I hold most dear in the world, my girlfriend.
I look around at some of the events we attend, the Facebook pages and Twitter feeds, the TVChix forums and the more racy on-line message boards and see many who have given in completely to the ‘dark side’. There are so many that complain of wives and girlfriends not understanding and then find solace in tranny outings. They think I have it perfect but in reality it’s about finding balance. In another scenario I can see me becoming them, totally consumed by the high of their alter ego to the exclusion of all others. There are a lot of lonely trannies out there driven by the femme side who live for the excitement, approval and rush that dressing gives. But like many an addiction when one is over the focus is on the next hit to the exclusion of many others. But that has such a downside in the destruction of your relationship with the person that matters and for me that has to stop NOW!
So I have decide to take a step back for now to redress the balance. Putting the girl away, well most of the time, and getting on with the more important things. Some will say I am denying myself something I love. To that I say the loss of the other side is far, far greater and something I am not going to countenance. I am sure I will be back, look at how many times I purged my wardrobe! But the Tara that returns will not be so driven, not so self-centred. Just one more at ease with the way in which her relationship has developed.
I will continue my blogs naturally but they will have a more detached viewpoint and look at achieving good boy-girl balances Au Revoir not Adieu xxx Tara
Tara's Transvestite Blog 