Archive for May, 2014

In my last blog I looked at whether or not we should tell our partners that we are TV’s and I hope you have taken on those thoughts before reading this narrative. As I said I am definitely no psychologist or therapist this is purely my perspective on this situation. Seek out other counsel as well.

By the way being a TS is so different,  it’s a lifestyle change that you have to tell your partner about. This guide is very much for the heterosexual crossdresser or TV who feels they would burst if they did not tell their partner. If you do decide on this route then you have to think about your story and how to break it. More importantly you have to be aware of the things that will immediately go through their head when they hear the words ‘Honey I have something to tell you’. You have to be clear on a number of issues

  • You have to be ready to show that you are not in a relationship with someone else
  • You are not gay and that you still love your partner but..
  • Know how, roughly when and, if you are lucky, why it started
  • It is not going to be an overt thing just something you indulge in from time to time
  • You are not sexually perverted and that any fun is safe and consensual
  • How you would like things to progress in the future
  • What you would be prepared to do in the short-term whilst they make up their minds

Above all you have to consider the ways in which they might react to what you are about to say. Try to set a quiet time away from interruptions, avoid too much drink as this makes things too emotional and stops the real information going in. Be acutely aware of the effects of what you are saying has on your partner and do not try to rush and blurt it all out in one long diatribe.

You have to realise that you are wiping away a lot of the basis of the bond between the two of you and that you now have to think of it as a new relationship where you have to woo them all over again. OK they have to show some form of acceptance but you have to make things work, if you want to, and have to take it step by step. I have never heard, yet, of anyone where their partner says ‘oh is that all I thought you were having an affair’ and life just carries on. Things are going to change and the final decision between the two of you will not happen immediately.

Introduce her to your photos by varying degrees (she will be curious), give her the addresses of websites you think might help. Do not be too quick to dress immediately and don’t take her to a Tranny do until she asks to go. Build an element of expectation. Have your story prepared but let her set the pace. You have had time to prepare she has not. So many thoughts will be flying through her head.

Remind them of the many good times you have had, your family, friends lifestyle and other things that bind the two of you together. Constantly remind her of your feelings for her, but do say it is impossible for you to give this up and that you want to do in the future. and of course there is the biggest question ‘why are you like this’ or ‘how did you become this person’. Nope I couldn’t answer that one either!

You have to be honest how much you need this. No psychologist or hypnotist will stop this This is you and you have wrestled with it for a long time. You may be prepared to do this in private but you at least want to be honest with them. Concentrate on what they will be feeling. The social stigma, the fall from grace, the hurt, the overall thought that at heart you are gay etc etc etc.

You will, not resolve this in one meeting it will take weeks and it may end in disaster. You should however make this a joint decision. You may feel you are in the weaker position, but if you accept that then you are effectively emasculated by the decision process and the future of your relationship then you also have to take hard decisions. If at the end of it all you do decide to part then you will have to accept all the problems associated with a separation.

By telling them you retain a measure of control but do not force this upon them let it sink in, constantly remind them of the positives, the love, the partnership…it’s never going to be easy!

Don’t make excuses for who you are just tell them that this is a path and a well trodden path. It’s not seedy or sordid but it can be just like any other gender lifestyle. For you it is important and that is why you are telling this partner you love and respect.

In so many cases I hear (from the TV not the partner) that their partner was so relieved as they thought things had become so distant that the partner thought the TV was having a relationship with another woman! But then this was still only the start of a long path. Nobody told you that the life of a TV was going to be easy. But it is a hell of a lot of fun. X

For other references see Karen Adler’s Something To Confess at Amazon

(Come on girls add to the post please and help others)

As you may know from previous posts my partner Susie runs a dressing service for Trannys called Chateau Femme. Over dinner the other night we were discussing some of the most common questions she was asked by her ‘girls’ and top of the list was ‘ I am thinking about telling my partner that I dress, do you think this is right?’. I also get asked this so much so it seems appropriate that we should try to address it in some form of blog. The problem is that neither of us are relationship counsellors so we can only give our observations. Also so many of the girls we meet and talk to are ‘out’ that is to say already going to tranny friendly venues and have  taken that big step into Vanilla Land. They are not like I was 3 years ago in the closet in a relationship with a wife that knew nothing about my femme existence. So this is not a truly objective viewpoint…but was there ever one on this issue. This is an involved subject so I am going to divide it into two parts. Should I Do It and How Could I Tell Them.Image

OK the reality of life is that you should tell your partner immediately you have an idea that this is a part of you. But that is rarely the case as recognising you are a Tranny does not happen overnight. Most of us more mature girls now know through many years and the expensive experience of ‘purging’ that you can suppress the urge to dress for a while but it comes back. So telling your partner as soon as possible is the best way forward but normally by the time you accept it the relationship you have is a long way down the line.

We have a dear friend who tells his new girlfriends within 2 dates that he dresses and he seems to have a 50% strike rate of women accepting his femme side. The reality, particularly for the older trannies is that say 20 years ago being a TV had far too many negatives for the social moires of society to tell your partner so we stayed silent. Now things have changed…a bit, though not as much as the acceptance of gay culture into society. I believe this is primarily because we don’t understand what drives us ourselves. If we can’t communicate why we are as we are then how the hell are people to understand us!

We are also trapped by the fear of what might happen should we tell our partner, what would happen if our friends, who we think disapprove, might say behind our back and in many cases we are quietly ashamed of what we do because it’s is unacceptable. There is a final personal rider that many of us actually love the whole subversive nature of being part of a culture that is ‘not allowed’ and would hate it if it became mainstream. The reality is that in many cases it is much more acceptable than you think and that fear is the main barrier.

Susie sees so many girls who are dressing in front of someone else for the first time who are in their 40’s 50’s 60’s and even 70’s. There is a drive deep deep down inside which has been suppressed for so long that finally says to them dammit I am getting out of the closet…for a short time. We can go into what drives us to do dress another time. For now it is looking at whether it is right or not to tell them.

tumblr_mt4u0o4Yju1qggxuvo1_500My own experience of telling…well not telling, being discovered actually, was not the fact that I dressed. No it was that after 18 years of marriage this came as a bombshell. It was basically the lying and the lack of trust that hurt more than the physical act. My then wife had had no chance to say no I do not like that way, I prefer the hairy chest big arms style of man and this is anathema to the way I want things to be. You have cheated me out of 20 years. I had not prepared my answer in advance and consequently the discussion was short…divorce! I have to say however that for me this was a monumental relief and I have never regretted the change. For my wife it has not been so good and for that I will feel eternally guilty.

As I was caught out and unprepared for this to happen and could not explain it and to be honest was embarrassed to be caught in this way. I fluffed my lines and separation ensued. A lot of my mature T friends (who are out) have similar experiences but the bulk have addressed this concern with their partner and in the main they are let out en femme, but their partners in the main do not approve or participate. Several however have said this was the death knell for a dying sex life but the strong partnership still remains. Not as many have ended up in divorce, and given how many times I have been chatted up en femme by a woman I would say that a TV is more repulsive to a man than a woman it’s about the way it is communicated.

So the natural question of should I tell her is what will be the effect on my partner. I am fed up of too many trannies telling me that they have to tell their partner without considering the effect on that person.  OK if this is frustrating you so badly it is affecting your mindset and you would probably put the Sunday Roast carving knife into the nearest person when you have not dressed for 2 weeks then yes you must tell them. If you can identify that this is hurting your relationships and your own health then you must must must tell them. If however you see this as a harmless pastime that you come to from time to time then you really have to view it from the other persons perspective.Image

You will be putting a hand grenade into the relationship which will have some repercussions but you have to review the options. Your relationship will not be the same again it is not going to continue in the same vein with a pair of sharp high heels hanging over it. Then again I have met a lot of women who say they love the fact that they can go shopping with their partner and discuss the relative merits of fashion in a way that they could not before. Some women love trannys others hate them. It’s a judgement call.

I am hounded in forums for telling girls to think less selfishly and more about the other party. It is their lives that will be put in turmoil and most of us caring souls do not want to hurt our loved ones. So we put off this decision. Which route is right, the no lying tell all route or hide it and keep all the positives we have in our relationship is an impossible call but for me the key questions to ask are:

  • Is this dressing thing so important to me ( I am quite surprised to see many love this route purely because it gives them some form of escapist meaning in a vanilla life)
  • Can I understand and explain why I like dressing to anyone (not just my partner)
  • How much of my story can I put into a coherent form to explain why I am as I am
  • Do I have an idea of what my partner thinks of crossdressers and the like as this will form the response they will give when you tell them.
  • Will I do things differently if I come out
  • What will be the effects on the other parts of my family life
  • Am I willing to lose my partner?
  • Recognise this could be good grounds for divorce and the expense that that involves
  • Am I looking at this objectively or is the fear of being exposed tainting my judgement

tumblr_lajxdpbNWx1qcejbpo1_400 Regardless of whether you decide to tell your partner or not you should always take the time to think what might happen well before. By preparing your story and response you always have some answers to give should you be discovered. So read my next blog as it at least may offer some help in this respect. X

(I said I did not have all the answers so please add your own thoughts as well)

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