Tag Archive: Transvestism Crossdressing Relationships


Am I A Tranny?

Last week there was one of those interminable discussions on Facebook regarding the use of the word Transvestite and Tranny. How some see this as degrading and others are accepting of it. I as many of you who have read my blog am very accepting of it but I do get tired of people going on about whether it is right or wrong. Just be relaxed and understand what the ‘label ‘ means to the majority of people.
The dictionary or accepted definition of Transvestite (which I think comes more from an American rather than British perspective) is : ‘a person, typically a man, who derives pleasure from dressing in clothes appropriate to the opposite sex’. However in many cases in the definition some add ‘a person who derives sexual pleasure’ to the basic definition. The issue that is always the bone of contention is when the comment issue of ‘dressing for sexual thrill’ comes into it and then some add ‘to have sex’ on top of all this Then the plain and honest dressers throw all their toys out of the cupboard and stamp on them! For my own ten penneth I think we have to distinguish between the thrill of dressing and the act of a sexual experience.
I do get a ‘sexy’ thrill from dressing but not a ‘sexual’ one. Susie who runs the Château Femme dressing service likens it to when she was 17 and went out dressed with her girlfriends on her own for the first time. They all felt incredibly beautiful sexy and randy but that doesn’t mean they were on the pull. It was the elation of getting out and about as they wanted to be, not in the controlled fashion dictated by their parents. The whole dressing experience for them was an uplifting one and so it is for Trannies. Hah! have used the forbidden word again! The former is confused with the latter in the vernacular.
I have always said in the past that I feel sexy when dressed en femme. I do not feel sexy dressed as a man but put those girly clothes on and It’s a rush and a half!
Susie, kind as she is, said I look sexy as a man. But I offered her the idea that she should imagine herself with short, thinning, balding hair, no make-up, cotton bra and knickers, in a t-shirt and jeans and flat shoes does she feel sexy…answer no! Then think of herself with long hair beautifully made up plenty of jewellery a short dress stockings and heels with manicured and painted nails and some sexy silk underwear under all that. How does she feel now? Yep,that’s the sexy feel us Transvestite well I get, not sexual!
Yes of course it may make us feel a little horny but that is part of the whole release of the inner you. Without the rush I get in front of the mirror when I first look at myself fully dressed it would be a deflating experience. I would also couple this to another element which is the sheer sigh of relaxation that Tara is back and the associated change of mindset this offers. LOVE IT!bedTV
But this also leads to that inevitable question that we all ask ourselves ‘why am I like this?’ Why do I feel it is such an integral part of my being that I have to dress on a regular basis and, when deprived of it for a period of time, I can become frustrated, edgy and even mildly  depressed? There is nothing genetic about it so what is it that drives us? This is a time-honoured question which many have looked at, but no one yet has a definitive answer (too much of a minority subject). Therefore any amateur psychologist can have a go. So here is my two-minute personal view on the subject.
I believe there are two routes into transvestism (note not Transsexualism, that is completely different). The first is that it is innate in us. Susie says that in her dressing service about 80 percent of her customers say it has always been there and that they have suppressed it for a long time. Others, like me, had an experience of something or other that triggered the interest/desire. in my case it happened around puberty, and this had a fundamental effect on them and that lead them to dressing. In my case it was a fascination with stockings and tights from a very early age, so much so that my first orgasm was whilst wearing tights. I did not know what had happened (sex education did not exist and your parents did not discuss it) and it left a strong impression on me . Wearing stockings led to experimentation with dressing and so on…
But from there we then go on the whole should I dress and the associated guilt trips of dressing. This can involve many cycles and cross many years.  The reality is that at some point we come to terms with it and accept that it is something within us, it offends few so why the hell not get on with it. Unfortunately for many the sheer embarrassment of being found out, particularly when younger, is a bigger driver than indulging in an activity frowned on by a large segment of society.
With most of us it is a roadmap that has many twists and turns. We all try numerous routes and find many dead ends on our path to enlightenment. But isn’t that all part of the fun? The eralier you start the more fun you can have!
To give you an example this is how it worked for me. As I said in my early teens it started with stockings and occasionally trying on my sister’s clothes. When I moved away from home in my late teens the urge receded with my first girlfriends and the introduction to sex. That occupied enough of my time! I tried on a couple of things but it lay dormant until my early thirties when a playful Sub/Dom night with a girlfriend just clicked on something. After we split I went to a mistress for the first time with a ‘like something different’ request. After 20 mins chat she said ‘I think you are a Transvestite’.  She dressed me and that was that. For the subsequent years I bought clothes dressed in secret got a guilt trip and purged on at least 4 occasions. Ouch, all those clothes and money in a dump bin!
IMG_1715Finally by my mid 40’s I accepted it. This was primarily due to the internet.  I realised there are thousands like me that had had the similar experiences to a greater or lesser extent. I realised it was not going to recede and I had to accept it. I started to go out and my wardrobe grew. It was fun. Then my wife found out and we divorced. It was not the dressing it was the fact that I had lied and kept it from her that had such a shock. Now I am able to pursue it as I wish. But that is just one level. One side issue however has been that as a result of all those years of guilt and dishonesty I still have problems opening up to anyone about it. Even a girlfriend that runs a dressing service! You get so used to hiding things it becomes the norm, and to be honest you are only dumping your years of pent up frustration on someone who really is not that empathetic.
On top of this there are numerous other layers one of which is the whole illicit element of the fact it is ‘not done’ in society. I think many of us actually enjoy that we are different from mainstream society and we are doing something a little naughty and that gives us a thrill as well. Then there is also the fantasy element where us more mature Trannies dress in outfits a 30+ years old woman would rarely wear! Its all part of the complex make-up of being a Transvestite. Listen I even get a thrill out of the constricting sensations from elements of shapewear…such a pervert!
This is why we are so difficult to comprehend and nigh on impossible to explain to the public at large. There is no biological reason for being a Transvestite just a deep-seated instinctive thing inside us that needs from time to time to be sated. For me long may we remain in the ‘specialist’ sector such as Trekkies, Goths,  Steampunk, Train-spotters and the like. We must not be confused with the bulk of Transgenderists. They have an in-built female drive that says they are a woman. Yes Transvestism might be a start to help them down the line of their gender dysphoria but it’s not really a solution. They really need to be female not just feminine. Its a bit like so many Transvestites go to Gay bars primarily because they are more accepting of them than the mainstream,  even though the bulk of Trannies say they are not gay!  It is our personal expression and being with like-minded people who enjoy a similar label is part of our fun!
So that’s my skew on this marvellous sexy life of the Transvestite.  Now I will await the hatred and invective bile from the people who hate the label Transvestite and Tranny. I love them, sets me apart! XXX


Go On Express Yourself

I have always loved hiding behind the veil of transvestism. It affords me so many opportunities to express an inner self that is for the most part hidden. So many of the ‘girls I meet love the freedom that dressing gives them. It opens so many doors that the vanilla boy could never explore. So many identify with a second person within the one body.

I have always talked about how I can feel my whole mindset changing as I create the alternative persona of Tara. Susie my partner who runs the dressing service Chateau Femme says she sees it in most of her girls and loves not only seeing the physical transformation but also the mental changes that manifest themselves once a girl is dressed. She definitely sees it in me and you can read about all the fun we have had with that side in previous posts!!
I love the whole release from the norms of ‘vanilla’ life. It is a wonderful release. I feel that over the years the strictures of adulthood, my family upbringing, schooling and general attitudes prevalent in society have ensured I was conditioned to be a particular type of conformist. I was never the rebel and life remained a little more prosaic as a result. I recognise now that in order to get on I subordinated other drives within myself in order to climb the greasy pole of corporate life. It is only since I became self-employed making my own decisions, unencumbered by politics or political correctness that I allowed other aspects of my life to emerge and flourish. This has been bit by bit no road to Damascus moment for me.
I was out with a group of girls at the BNO and it was interesting to hear how they got to where they are and had the courage to be out for a fun night with the rest of the girls. Many said that those first steps were filled with trepidation but they had put the barriers in their own minds and they were continually looking at the worst case scenario. Top of that list was being recognised, found out and exposed to friends and family. I am not going to tell anyone to forget this aspect of fear but I would say put it into perspective. You are putting different clothes on, hiding behind a veil of make up and even sunglasses, then going to venues your friends, family and office colleagues never visit so the chances are slim. What I now know was that I feel there was an incredible missed opportunity in particular in my thirties for some great fun!
 Susie says that so many of her clients say after their first dressing they wished they had also done it earlier but they, as so many of us, have decided that retreat is the better part of valour, and how you could possibly tell your partner having hidden this secret for so long! It is impossible to really say there is a perfect way to tell someone (see previous postings). Suffice to say people are more accepting than you think once they get their head around it! But then again it is also a very distracting (and addictive) hobby and I probably would have not put as much effort into my work and family life if I had been having the fun I now do. Ah life is so much about choices!!!IMG_0848
Being able to dress however allows me to break the barriers. The physical act of putting on femme clothes and in my case clothes that many say I am far too old to wear breaks all the taboos and thus releases the ‘devil’ (with a small d) in me. Suddenly the blinkers are off and the freedom this allows me is amazing. Sorry girls I know I am a bad dancer but who cares, that is  the least of my worries! In younger days this allowed me to experiment with aspects of my sexuality as I really did not know why I dressed and how it affected me. Been there, done it, bought the strap-on thrown it in the bin. I always say try everything once except incest and Morris dancing! Nowadays the experimental side has taken a back seat as I have settled into enjoying the paths that I do not regard as dead ends. And there are plenty of those. Oh God there are plenty of those!
So this includes things such as heels that are too high, skirts that are too short and dresses that are far too tight. This can take a frightful toll on the budgets as you are buying clothes for 2 people, though I must say the man budget is less than half the woman’s. As for make up this is getting more elaborate but not in so much of a drag queen way! Instead I watch You-tube try to hide, layer and preen in a more sophisticated way than I did 5 years ago. One foundation…you must be crazy! What is more evident how encompassing things have now become. I have time to experiment. How does contouring work? Is taping or nude bras the best way to create cleavage? What is the best way to tuck?  Is it easier to walk in heels with or without a sway? Etc. etc. etc.
In recent months as Tara has got out on a more consistent basis so it has had a double effect. Firstly it is slightly addictive in its nature as you get an inner excitement from dressing and just love to see yourself dolled up on a regular basis, so you need this outlet. Secondly you do start to feel that something is lacking in your schedule if you cannot dress once a week, the beast needs to be sated…again and again.  This is a warning to all those who either cannot dress as they please or that their partner does not want to see them dressed.  To tumblr_l09myxO3EB1qzsdz2o1_500them I suggest keep it to a special once a month event and recognise that after that event you have to put the girl away and focus on life’s other priorities. All of us hate that time at the end of the evening when you are in front of the mirror and you are taking the girly face off to be replaced by Mr Sexual Norm. It is a real downer, but instead think how lucky you have been to have the ‘b###s’ to have done this and had an experience of which so many others are very envious.  For those of you who can dress how and where as they please look back at a past article where I say you should be considerate of your surroundings and others and not thrust your lifestyle in their face…ah yes, another avenue I closed off many moons ago xxx
In recent weeks there are so many new stories surfacing on Crossdressing and Transvestism. Note I have always seen myself as a Transvestite not a Transsexual. In terms of society’s acceptance we are so far back in terms of being understood along with Scientologists and rubber dolls! I get a kick out of dressing but do not feel that I am a real woman, more a fun imitation. A great article written by a Japanese reporter in 2012 entitled 16 Things I Learned From Dressing In Drag was a start then moved onto Japan slowly begins to openly discuss crossdressing men in heterosexual relationships.Always A Start
In this one they mention a photographer who takes pictures of crossdressers. She says that there are three times in a man’s life when he might awaken to the fact that he enjoys women’s clothing. First is puberty, the next is in his 30s/40s, and finally in his 60s after retirement. Each of these tends to be a major turning point in their lives. I haven’t reached my 60’s yet but can definitely identify with earlier times. I  had pangs from 9-14 years old and rediscovered them in my early 30’s. Susie my partner who runs Chateau Femme dressing service says that inquisitive men in their 30’s and retired men in their 60’s are a dominant part of new girls who come to visit. These more mature men have in some cases harboured this desire for a long time. But others have done it on a whim and found themselves a fantastic new hobby, or in a few cases a complete lifestyle.Always A Start

I also loved the article from Rocket News about a ‘Girls’ Club in Tokyo where anyone can dress anyway they like. The bulk of the customers there were not interested in being fun and sexy,  just ‘ We do not want to be girls just cute‘. I thought so true. It really is all about the look for me. Then its about the mannerisms and finally the whole way you act. Susie had just had the stock for her new set of wigs delivered the other day and she asked me to try some on. Without make up on I looked dreadful and this combined with the article struck such a chord.
IMG_0041The whole idea is that we do put a lot of effort in trying to turn the male sow’s ear into a femme silk purse. We tend to like what we see, its better than the male self. OK it may not be that feminine in the truest sense of the word except for a gifted few. But boy do we feel a million dollars. Its not Ted or Bill or Frank looking back at us but a changed person with a femme name and we love it. I have always alluded to the change of mindset that I go through in transforming from male to T. I love the journey and the destination, it leaves me in a really new and perfect place. As I have now had a couple of years of being able to indulge as and when I want I realise it is now a part of me. Its not a drug that is addictive, its now a psychological part of my make up that is a great calming influence on my life.
Parts of it are now creeping into my everyday life such as mannerisms, oh God a limp wrist again, stop walking that way boy, stop slouching and sit up more! Its just fun and I am constantly fighting the brainwashing that I have gone through in conforming to society’s social mores. Its a bit like coming round to say God does not exist when you have had so much religious doctrine imposed on you from such an early age. You feel guilty for something you should not.
I have read that many T-girls in their early days got sexually turned on by dressing, but as time has passed this has waned. I would argue against this for many of us, not all. The whole process of dressing and getting out is a wonderful buzz and just because you have not got a stonker does not mean you still don’t get excited! Oh help us if life has to be bland and nobody can stand out a bit. That also means you cannot belittle Trekky Conventions, Stamp Collectors and Birdwatchers. Each of us have our own bent! The article Why Do I Crossdress shows there are so many shades to this spectrum. (I am no 18!)IMG_1171
This also has bearings on our sexuality or more importantly our psyche. I do get excited by dressing it does give me a buzz and makes me a little more playful or extrovert. But I think the bulk of it is in the mind and for me that is where it stays nowadays. In my younger days the amount of times I found myself chatting to another ‘girl’ in a rather flagrant way were numerous. But only too quickly I would realise this was a fantasy, not a reality, and a girl without her wig and make-up was just a man. It was the look that appealed to me and probably a little bit of the chase, not the kill!
Now I know others disagree with my standpoint as I discussed in an article last year on flirting vs sex some girls are genuinely gay or bi and do find going the whole way part of their way of expressing themselves, the problem with us flirters is that we are sending out the wrong message to people who are genuinely interested in taking things further. Susie has made me realise this and to understand what I thought was harmless fun in reality is playing with peoples feelings too much. I have put a serious stop to it…well most of the time!
As a follow on from my last blog regarding how I can very easily annoy my girlfriend, by being very selfish in regard to my dressing and actions when we are out, I thought of  how many of us T Girls can fall into a similar trap. These traits principally concern us being selfish and self-centred and can seriously make us annoying to many of our friends. I hope by alerting you to some that I have seen over the years may help you to recognise a trait within you. We all have a little bit of some of these but it is when it is taken to excess that it will infuriate your friends and may result in them not wanting to go out with you, and God knows there are few enough opportunities to get out as it is! Its not meant to be bitchy, but some might read it as such, its just a memorandum to self to think of others when out and not run the roost according to your peccadilloes.
I think I have spotted 4 symptoms that can annoy others of which many of us are guilty to a greater or lesser extent:
The Me Talker – this is the girl who gets little or no time to be her femme self because of personal circumstances. She has some friends that know she is a tranny but tends to dress a lot in private and has few chances to get out. When she does hit the boards she has saved up so many things to talk about she tends to monopolise the conversation and talks incessantly about herself. She is like Opra Winfrey. Conversations are turned to her agenda and she always wants to tell others what the effect of something was on her, even if the conversation was nothing to do with her. This can be particularly annoying when one of the other girls has a valid emotional point she wants to raise only to find the conversation taken over by the ‘me’ girl. She has to get out more and learn to listen to others and shut up! There will be plenty of opportunities.
The Shock Talker – this girl is out to make a statement and get noticed. She wants to be the centre of attention and is searching for an impact in every comment, a bit of a Jose Mourihno. You know that they are always looking for something that will be an over the top statement and after a while tend to become numb to it so they look for more shock tactics. Not sure if it’s because in her male role she has a fairly unexciting life or that through dressing she can release the exciting adrenalin junky that is constantly held within. She will engage in conversations with other groups and be the one hogging the dance floor with a look at me way about her. Originally she is seen by friends as a funny exciting person and of course she lives on that. But after a while she can become a liability to some drawing too much attention to the group and in particular creating situations by not reading the events that are going on around them. Her antics can become tiresome and annoying if all she wants to do is make over-the-top statements. This is occurs particularly when some girls want to have an honest and in-depth non judgemental chat about things. She has to just relax and appreciate that the group is a little more placid than her. Her time will come.
The Organised Talker – the girl who is constantly trying to set the agenda for the group. She is a control freak, a bit of a Victoria Beckham. Deciding dates, times and places she never really settles to enjoy the moment. She is always looking to the next thing they are going to do and as a result does not allow the group to relax. Yes they all like the fact that someone is taking the decisions just hating the fact that all discussions are about what they are going to do next not what is happening now. A bit of a perfectionist she is never quite happy as they could have done things better and as such there is always more to be done. Girls feel a little controlled and unsettled in her company. She just has to learn to live in the moment a little more. There is always another event to organise in due course.
The Sexy Talker – this is the horny one. This is the Kim Kardashian girl. Dressing makes them feel incredibly sexy and they get so turned on by the occasion that their focus is primarily on the sexual liasons of the night. Their conversation revolves around ‘opportunities’ and having fun. She can be very tactile and slightly predatory. She drops many unsubtle hints throughout the night, which can be tiresome. She can be highly excitable and not read any romantic elements that have been happening throughout the evening. She thinks that most girls have the same urge within them and that they would fancy some fun with her. But it’s not so she has to back off and wait for situations to arise not spend her time trying to create them. There are opportunities at every turn they will come to you!
OK this may seem a little harsh but we all may have some elements of these within us to a greater or lesser extent. I know I have and it’s just a case of recognising this is happening before people stop asking you out to events you love to participate in. I am sure many can think of other stereotypes . Anyone got any others they dislike such as the pain in the bum blogger who is finding things that really don’t exist!! XXX

The last few weeks have been quite a tough time for our relationship. You all may think we are in Utopia because I am going out with the perfect partner in my life and that someone loves both the male side of your personality and the femme (though I do prefer to call it my ‘T’) part of your life. But when it comes down to having a good honest chat about what both of you are genuinely feeling you realise that adopting your ideal T side a rather large gulf can arise. Let’s look at the arguments.
I have always said that as a tranny I love the idea of going out and engaging with others, particularly those that are fascinated by trannies. Susie calls it ‘strutting my stuff’ in front of people. I love the whole concept that I can send out much more overt signals dressed as a ‘T’ than I could ever do dressed as a man. This gives me an intense buzz. I do love the fact that people appreciate the look and that I have put a fair bit of effort into achieving Tara. Yes Tara is very very vain!IMG_1191
But this vanity is also matched by the fact that I actually feel ‘sexy’ when dressed. Susie said that was normal, but I said that I never felt sexy looking at myself in a mirror as a man but I get an intense sexual rush looking at and being Tara. Its not turned on but just a strong urge to act sexy.  I said I felt such a strong sensation when I dress and get and even bigger hit when I go out. As a man I am as Susie says a bit dapper in my dress style, but I never feel as if I am showing off. She on the other hand says I look sexy but I neither feel nor think I encourage this emotion. But you put me in a figure hugging dress. high heels and a blonde wig and I feel fantastic in both my head and my gut though not my loins…sorry girls I do have two brains but not quite where you expected them! If you can put them together i.e. by dressing them you have a heady cocktail for an very edifying future. But don’t let that get out of hand with anyone and give the impression there is more to come!
The problem is that dressing and seeking attention in public is not very helpful in your relationship. Imagine your wife/girlfriend/partner dressing provocatively and then going out to a local bar or nightclub to flirt and chat with other people. Not that great eh! But to all intents and purposes that is exactly what we are doing by dressing and going out. It’s not really fair on either party and finding a solution that is good for both parties is very difficult. But remember you give up some things to be in a relationship and it cannot be all one way, even for selfish, vain, introspective, sensation seeking Tranny!
How many times do I read, hear or see Trannies saying that their wife/ partner knows what they do but does not want to go out with them. Quite right why would you want to see your love going out dressed in a provocative style to get chatted up. Also why do you want the competition when he has better legs than you or his dress cost more than yours.

Now I know that many will say I dress purely for myself and not for anyone else and that is true for a few but I do not think so for the majority. Certainly I am mutton dressed as lamb, but that is my style and it’s not going to change. But then why go out? That is the hard one. To all girls who have not ventured out I counsel that it is like opening a Pandora’s Box and its difficult to put back. After you pluck up the courage to go out for the first time simply dressing at home is not enough…well for me. You can walk in heels for more than the 30 feet of your hallway,  you can meet and talk with others of a similar persuasion, you can exchange stories and realise you are not alone in what you are thinking. And the reality is we want to show off our new persona to the world and if we are lucky we get admiring glances, that’s all part of being a tranny to me. Do I want to to be chatted up no not really. A mild flirtation ‘en passant’ maybe. Do I want to have sex definitely not so why the hell am I here. There in lies the nub of transvestism. An intensely uplifting experience that comes from deep within that releases a different kind of beast than when you are in boy mode. It’s very much a mindset, or as the Americans rather crudely put it ‘mind fuck’that puts you in a different place.
I have eluded in past editions of this blog to ‘the zone’ as I call it. A time when I am dressed and an intense calm comes over me. It is a bit like mindfulness. You are living purely for the moment and just looking at and feeling what is going on around you. You see yourself in the mirror dressed in the way you want to look, you accept that this is you and you cannot fight the wrinkles or bits of excess fat or imperfections that make you ‘non-girl’. Instead you take a deep breath let the shoulders relax and say yes I am there. I see the inner Tara.
Susie says with her dressings at Chateau Femme she sees the same with so many girls. What they see in themselves when dressed is probably not the reality . But what she also sees is a form of calm excitement. Calmness on the outside because they are finally transformed, but also a set of wilder emotions welling up from within. A heady mixture which I can identify with. In my earlier days this gave me a chance to experiment with other aspects of my personality and I tried a few blind alleys on my own personal voyage of discovery. What I know now is that as a result of being able to have open honest and frank discussions with Susie I have been able to comprehend much more of the drivers within me. Thank you darling!Cimg2005_pp

So the problem of whether a T girl and her GG girlfriend can go out together is a current ongoing discussion for us. The first step though is the flirting nature of Tara has to be reigned in simply because not being able to go out dressed with your best friend and lover is not an option! So start working on the compromises girls and the best times will flow.

XXX Tara

A Happy New Year to you all I hope it will be an even better dressed year and I hop this blog can help. This time I am getting back to serious matters for those that have the freedom to get out with the approval of their partner.
For years I was a closet dresser in a stressed marriage. Furtively hiding my guilty secret behind days dressed at a Mistress’ or  a dressing service and grasping moments at home when I was alone becoming Tara. Then with the forced discovery of Tara and my eventual separation from my wife I was unmasked and was theoretically allowed the ‘freedom’ I had been craving, or thought I had been craving, to do do as I pleased. IMG_0550I also had the great fortune to meet my current partner Susie who not only adores Trannies but has been running an upmarket dressing service called Chateau Femme for the last 10 years. What more could a girl want. Freedom to dress as I please, freedom to go out where I want and freedom to  mix with whom I like…perfect! But as with any positives there are some real negatives that can really weigh down this idyll.
A tranny by our nature is a fairly solitary being. We have two sides and have to constantly pander and manage these personae. As a result we become selfish because we have to make short-cuts and that can affect those around us. Most of us have come through the splendid isolation of privately preparing and dressing on our own. We rarely had (especially before the internet really took off) any real contact with others except via events such as the good old (but sadly gone) Philbeach Monday night parties. We had little resources to  help us and even fewer contacts that things such as Facebook and  TVChix allow us today.  The growth of the internet has been a boon for us, or should I say, particularly for today’s newbie tranny as many of us have already gone through the ringer before these wonderful inventions were able to help us. We spent a lot of time trying to develop the femme side and this would gobble up a hell of a lot of our spare time. Combine the frustrations of a ‘hobby’ you cannot participate in with the anxiety of being discovered with having to hide everything to do with the girl and then add all the things to do with your normal family life on top and you have the recipe for a pressure cooker that could blow unexpectedly. This constant stress is no good for anyone and one of the ways it is displayed is in us becoming very introspective and difficult to manage as we try to hide and juggle so many competing demands on our time.
Even  2 years on from being given my freedom I still find it difficult to open up despite the fact that I have a very receptive and eager listener. It is obvious I am hiding (more just not saying it) things from the past and it takes a long time to peel off the layers of guilt that have been heaped on these suppressed feelings by society’s mores. I accepted who I am a long time ago (after 4 large and expensive purges) but the historic practice to hide this ‘thing’ still persists and its something only a select few friends know even today. It’s like you were indoctrinated with a religion when you were young and now after clear reflection you still feel guilty by saying there is no God. And for others it is very new and very raw. It is a drive within that has to be sated from time to time and then hidden deep, deep away so that there are no outward signs are visible to others. Oh the shame of being discovered by unbelievers!
More importantly I am amazed how many new girls I meet who are in their early sixties who have only just discovered dressing in the last 2-3 years. It has been a joy to be part of their introduction. Susie says that about 30% of her newer girls are in the 60+ bracket. Many have decided it is something they have put off for far too long. Many  have discussed it with their wives of many years who seem to realise it is an itch that their husband has to scratch. It is also great to see how many wives in this bracket accompany their husband in this foible. Their relationship is based on love and understanding not the fact he loves wearing high heels and stockings.  But I digress.
One of the problems that occurs when a we obtains this freedom is that the tranny tends to get a much stronger grip on the relationship and it is the tranny who is suddenly deciding the agenda for the couple! We start deciding when to dress, we decide where to go, who to meet, where to shop and how much of our joint income is spent on this third person who really has no intrinsic benefit, to our partner. Now I know that for many this is the start of the TS route and that is very much a gender issue, but for the many of us that see this as a lifestyle choice it is a tough burden to place on our partners. This also applies when you are out and how you handle yourself in those circumstances as the tendency is that all the eyes, initially, are on you as you are different from the norm.
tumblr_l799glcJoy1qbreu6o1_400A case in point. Many of the bars Susie and I  go out to are overtly gay as they tend to be more understanding of trannys.  I dress, when out, in a more provocative fashion whilst Susie is more demure. The result I get chatted up regularly which she sees, quite rightly, as an affront to our relationship. ‘Hold on this is my bloke who is not gay, dressed as a girl being chatted up by another bloke and here I am sitting one the sidelines holding her coat…not on!’ Me in my selfish mode is loving all the attention.  Years of dressing in the closet with nobody to show off to and now I am the centre of the ring really appeals to my narcissistic and egocentric nature as Tara.
Now many of our gg partners because they love you also love the fact that you are embracing something that you quite obviously adore. But over time a multitude of small things such as these start to wear at the relationship as you partner feels she is not being heard and its all about you deciding what the two/three of you want to do. The relatively unnoticeable drops in the evenly balanced bucket that are slow but eventually the bucket spills over, and at the wrong moment something trivial can raise their ugly head and put strains on the partnership because previous things have gone unnoticed.
My advice  is regard yourself as being very, very lucky that you have this person (so many other trannys dream of this and are envious of your status). Be aware how demanding you can become Stop dictating the whole agenda and making up for lost time. Accept you cannot have it all your own way. Being femme is about being more sensitive so be more careful about the bounteous pleasures you can enjoy in your new roles together. Make it a point to chat regularly about your times out and find out what the general feelings between you are. It’s not a recipe for success but it’s a start.
Ironically I was talking about this with a another tranny recently and she said she saw it just in the nick of time. However after some good conversations together she said her wife does not come out with her as a couple as much as they used to and her total number of outings per year have reduced. The by-product has been an even stronger relationship. XXX
A Happy Christmas to all readers. Hopefully this year the blog has allowed you all to see you are neither alone nor an exception to what is going on in the T-Girl world. Your problems and adventures are shared by so many and whilst you may be unique a lot of the things that may concern you are shared by others.

I was out last week with a few girls at the Big Night Out at Pink Punters near Milton Keynes, which is a great place for your first night out dressed if you fancy it, and after several hours chat I realised we all had so much in common. So I thought as a rather light hearted side I would reveal the common elements of going out en femme.
  1. The Planning – starts about 2 weeks out as I go through my entire wardrobe thinking what might work and what will not only to find a week beforehand that there is a theme for the night I had missed. Oh good a chance to add to the wardrobe!
  2. Shopping – I cant believe I told the lady in Debenhams that the underwear  (nice bra and panties) I was buying was for me. She then helped me to a quiet cubicle and gave me so many options! Why was I so scared of what she might think!
  3. The Hotel – Aaaargh! I have to walk through the hotel lobby dressed! Hotels have never seen any ‘different’ guests. Everyone they see and meet is normal. They will look at me as a freak amongst the thousands of faceless guests they serve every year as employees of a large faceless multi-national. There is no way that they see me as a guest that provides some novelty and a break from the bland that makes life more varied and fun!
  4. The Suitcase – for a one night away this is akin to a 2 week holiday clothes terms. You can always tell a Tranny’s luggage. All girls bring at least 5 outfits to try out or experiment, then opt for their favourite as they know they will be both sexy and comfortable in it!
  5. Shoes – God we love those high high heels but after much experience we all know that at a certain point in the evening due to alcohol or just pure fatigue your calves give way and you seem to be stumbling around. You need those reserve flats that you have brought in your handbag
  6. Timing – you’ve got to the room in plenty of time hang up things, you lay your clothes for the night out , have that lovely shower and de-fuzz and generally de-stress. Then suddenly you only have 15 minutes to get ready and you know it will normally take another 45 minutes. Where the bloody hell did that time go. You spent too long in the shower getting rid of that last hair, you spent too much time getting the foundation perfect, you had difficulty finding things in the mess in the suitcase, on your bed, floor, wardrobe, corridor outside. You had to try on those 8 outfits at least twice and look for combinations. I need 8 hours to prepare far less 2! I will never complain if a woman is an hour late again!
  7. Extras – nails, false eyelashes, hip pads, gaffs, shapewear etc. etc. etc. all those extras that help you transform but in the panic to get out on time at least half of them will be jettisoned. Did I really need 4 foundations, three shades of red lipstick, tights, hold ups, stockings and suspenders as well as 3 handbags 2 coats and 4 jackets and not a pair of jeans in sight!
  8. Photos – do I want them taken oh yes I must have a record of the night…but then what if someone from accounts spots them on the TVChix website or they gain access to another girls website with my pic as part of the group on it. No I will play safe and sit in the background. They can instantly recognise me with this make-up and wig on in amongst the other 70 trannies at this event!
  9. My Skirt/Dress – its too short!  Look at me a Tranny of advancing years parading around in a short skirt and heels what will people think. Oh that girl over there is doing the same and that one oh and that one as well, and oh my God that real girl is twice my size and wearing an even shorter skirt…it looks great!
  10. I Am Not Going To Pass – nope you are not, you will be clocked by looks, demeanour, voice, nerves, wig, make up. Get over it. Trannies now just accept it. They are making their statement. They conform to their principles not being a doormat for society’s conformist minority. Ultimately within realistic bounds what is the worst thing that can happen.
  11. What am I to say – I would love to talk about me and what I am going through but that would be too rude! Oh we are all doing it and I am not the only one thinking like this!
  12. Well At Least I Won’t Get Chatted Up! – I cant believe so many strangers women, men and in-betweenies were interested in me. I wish I had thought what I was going to say especially when they asked me out! And as for that cheeky barman!!!
  13. Am I Going Gay – I really liked being chatted up by that bloke. It was such a buzz and I even started to flirt with him! This Tranny mindset is really playing with my sexuality. And I must stop stroking these highjly erotic sensual stockings all the time. Thankfully it all came crashing down when I tried to run my fingers through my hair and the wig did a 90 degree turn
  14. Christmas – bloody hell its cold in this short skirt and stockings! I really have to think boots, long coat, gloves,scarf and a portable log fire. Not flimsy bomber and strappy sandals.
  15. The Bag Lady – this envelope the call a bag is useless for the 4 cats of primer plus 2 mascaras, lip liner, lipstick nail glue, spare tights, bpy wallet (because I hadn’t thought girl purse) keys etc etc etc.
  16. Drink – oh dear the nerves got the better of me and I polished off those two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc (extra large) far too fast in the first 15 minutes
  17. And So To Bed – wow what an evening, I wished it hadn’t ended and why was I so scared. But oh being scared was really exciting

Get out girls and have a very merry Christmas time. Or at least make a New Years Resolution to do it. See you at ethe BNO in January

xxx Tara

lipschewWriting this blog has been incredibly cathartic for me. It has allowed me to look at my Tranny side and endeavour to analyse why I am a Tranny and why I indulge it so much. It has allowed me, in part, to evaluate why I enjoy this lifestyle so much and realise there is no perfect answer just some good generalities. As a result I don’t dwell on the worries so much and just have fun. However recently this ‘get on and enjoy it girl’ mentality has thrown up a much bigger issue is that Tara is in essence a selfish and self-centred individual. I have become someone who eschews the real things pursuing a hedonistic pastime indulging in the lesser aesthetic needs. I love the fact that I have a much freer lifestyle it has on the flip side a much more damaging effect on the one I truly love.
After another recent argument with my wonderful, adorable, understanding girlfriend the other night, and they have become more frequent, I realised I had a problem, which after a lot of soul-searching I realised a lot of Trannies must have.
Let me go back. For years I was the typical closet cross dresser. Stealing moments of dressing time, going out rarely, hiding clothing in weird and wonderful places, hiding it from my wife and hiding in general from the world. I was wondering all the time what was my sexuality and what drove me down this path. But as I had no chance of gratifying or satisfying these needs more often I just put it down as a pastime in which I would indulge from time to time. Most of it was lived in my head , and on-line not in reality. Thank God for the internet for keeping me sane!  Then I divorced and met my perfect soul mate who likes, or I thought liked, both sides. I was now given free rein to dress more or less as often as  I wanted and go out as I pleased. I was given the perfect life. Nothing shocked her I could yield to the fun side and she knew all my dark places. I could dress at home, go out to clubs, be my flirty self as much as I liked, always with my partner there or thereabouts. I was focussed on Tara for the first time in my life and I went for it. God how I went for it!!!
But after our argument the other night It dawned on me that the girl was becoming too strong a drive in our relationship. She had become a bit like, a drug an itch that had to be scratched, an open wound! My girlfriend was concerned that as in many relationships she had had or been involved with TV’s that the 10% of the time Tara was around was becoming all-consuming with the fear that it might become 50% or even more. On top of that Tara was not interested in her or what we were doing. I said this was rubbish and that both Tara and The Boy loved her.
But after we went to bed the brain started ticking. I looked at myself objectively. I was lying in bed with my toenails painted, shaven from head to toe, my eyebrows waxed, shaped and tinted, my face had had a good couple of treatments, I was concerned that my fingernails were not growing fast enough and I was looking forward to receiving my next purchase from eBay. Over the next month we were going out about 6 times (in the past I would be lucky to get out 6 times in a year). I would get irritable if I was not allowed the time and space to transform into Tara and blamed her for a lack of understanding of my predicament. I got frustrated if we did not have ‘Tara Time’ on a regular basis and got really hacked off if she did not come out because she was too tired. It was me me me. I had become the beast and not realised it!legs1
Lying in bed the other night, well it’s obvious I do my thinking there, I had an epiphany. What the hell was I doing. Why had I become such a self-centred slut. What was driving me? I realised it was a combination of new-found freedom combined with advancing age, I am in my late fifties. I had been trying to make up for lost time and to enjoy as much as I could before the ravages of age set in…too late!
I understand now that this has been the classic example of someone being offered the forbidden fruit and pursing it whole heatedly to the exclusion of others who they hold most dear. It has to stop, or are least be seriously reigned in, for order to be re-established and for the benefit of the thing I hold most dear in the world, my girlfriend.
I look around at some of the events we attend, the Facebook pages and Twitter feeds, the TVChix forums and the more racy on-line message boards and see many who have given in completely to the ‘dark side’. There are so many that complain of wives and girlfriends not understanding and then find solace in tranny outings. They think I have it perfect but in reality it’s about finding balance. In another scenario I can see me becoming them, totally consumed by the high of their alter ego to the exclusion of all others. There are a lot of lonely trannies out there driven by the femme side who live for the excitement, approval and rush that dressing gives. But like many an addiction when one is over the focus is on the next hit to the exclusion of many others. But that has such a downside in the destruction of your relationship with the person that matters and for me that has to stop NOW!
So I have decide to take a step back for now to redress the balance. Putting the girl away, well most of the time, and getting on with the more important things. Some will say I am denying myself something I love. To that I say the loss of the other side is far, far greater and something I am not going to countenance. I am sure I will be back, look at how many times I purged my wardrobe! But the Tara that returns will not be so driven, not so self-centred. Just one more at ease with the way in which her relationship has developed.
I will continue my blogs naturally but they will have a more detached viewpoint and look at achieving good boy-girl balances Au Revoir not Adieu xxx Tara

The other day the girlfriend and I were having one of those regular meaningful discussions we have about how we approach the whole Tara issue. I am a very lucky person that I have an understanding (or reasonably understanding) partner with whom I can discuss this part of my life. This time it revolved around what I get out of being Tara when I am dressed and how it affects our relationship.

As many of you who will have read this blog know I do like to keep the boy and the girl very separate…even down to sex and sexuality! I have always said that there is a boy mindset and a Tara mindset. I enjoy flipping between both but it does not happen immediately, in my case it takes around 36-48 hours and during that period there are certain rituals that I indulge to make the transformation very very pleasurable. That will be the subject for another blog I think!heelsnlegs
Once I am dressed I make no bones I feel turned-on. Many trannies say that they have stopped feeling sexy when dressed and now just see dressing as a normal part of their Transvestite activities. Many look down on me as a mature tranny wearing short skirts high heels and plenty of make-up that only a girl of 25 or less would consider wearing. Sorry darlings just deal with it and stop trying to dictate your lifestyle on us errant sluts. We love it! Sexual dimorphism rules (one for the dictionary I think!).
The problem is when dressed and a little turned-on how does a girl express this. I see there are three distinct results. First you can just sit down and have a nice chat with others whilst at the same time stroking those shaven stocking clad legs and admiring yourself in the nearest mirror. I pointed this out to my girlfriend who runs a dressing service called Chateau Femme. She said when a girl is dressed they either start to stroke themselves, dance or sing. She adores this transformation.
The second option is you can take a wander round the bar, restaurant or club strutting your stuff and engaging in flirty conversation with your admirers occasionally alluding to things that they might wish for but never get. There is a fine line between flirting and a full suggestive come-on that can be completely misconstrued. Techniques for this can be found on the TVChix forum pages.
Finally you can go to the bar and wait for an admirer (of any sex) to come up and chat you up then go off and play with them as you see fit. OK there are other options such as going on stage to do a provocative dance or whoring yourself out, but I do see them as simply version of these three types.
Now for me its fine to have a regular night in and chat over the dinner table with friends having great conversation, but somehow at the end of the night it leaves me a little flat when I am dressed, or particularly when I am trowelling all that slap off in front of the bathroom mirror. No intimate dalliances, no sexual nuances no erotic suggestions! A girl has put a lot of effort into looking this cheap and she needs some form of affirmation that what she has done, and is feeling about herself, is valid. Many of us have dressed as our ideal fantasy other half and we get turned on by the look. But remember its a fantasy…not reality! So of course one of the best ways of gaining that stamp of approval is by engaging in a little flirting, which is of course what I do.
IMG_0838Other girls become very turned-on by dressing. It alters their sexuality and sexual mindset. Whilst they would never dream of having some form of sexual contact  with a man, as a man, they become more open to suggestion when dressed. Some like a bit of a fun chase but others enjoy the occasional kill. Its again that whole ratification of their new persona and appeals to their own deep need for sexual experience. It is testimony that they are attractive to others having put a heavy shift in at the make-up counter! Many T-Girls are attracted to T-Girls purely because they look so damn good…the kill can be less so endearing!
Me I have been down many dead ends in trying to understand what Tara is about, its still ongoing, but above all she is a flirt and loves to tease a bit. This of course rankles with missus. She,quite rightly, says ‘what if I and my girlfriends got dressed up as slappers and went out on the pull how would you feel?’ I of course answered by saying the wrong thing and said ‘great!’ What is sauce for the gander is sauce for the gander. But what I should have said is I don’t try to pull. There is a hell of a distinction to being flattered and chatting up someone purely because you like whole frisson of a quick conversation that you dwell on for less than a couple of minutes. It is completely different to spend a long time in deep sexually driven conversation leading to heavy frustration by the fact that he/she thought they were ‘in’ and the fact you were just doing it for a bit of fun! Girls you know what it is like from their side don’t go so far that you know you will piss them off at the end of the night.
Anyway few people except possibly cuckolds like seeing their partner strutting their stuff around a bar whilst they have to wait for them to finish doing ‘the circuit’, Its not fair! Suffice to say Tara’s nights out dressed with the girlfriend will be more restricted and she will probably be left to her own devices. Such is it when you love a genuine, good, honest, decent, caring and adorable woman who allows you to be you, even if it will be a little less of the time!!!
Thanks by the way to the American who came up to the bar at the Way Out club the other night and bought 3 trannies a drink at a cots of £32 because he thought we were gorgeous and then left…perfect or what! Now that’s the ideal flirt!
I do not care what many say, the arrival of autumn is an absolute godsend for many Trannies, or it was in the past! Summer represented a terrible time with kids around the place, not a moments privacy, unable to shave legs, hot sweaty temperatures creating runny make-up, long days when you did not want to go out, short nights being unable to get out and the interminable effect of wearing a wig in the sun, meant there were so many barriers to letting the girl within come out. Before this year I hated the long lay-off before Tara could re – emerge from the confines of the summer recess. In fact I am sure I had regular withdrawal symptoms where I became tetchy and moody. With the arrival of longer nights and cooler climes I could finally put on stockings, black dresses, a wig and undergarments without sweating like an 8 furlong racehorse on Epsom Downsrosie-true-flirty-summer-dress.This summer I have got out more than ever before and had the guts to show my well-developed (male) shoulders in a more skimpy frock than I had ever imagined I would have done, even though I still make every effort to hide the male attributes as best as possible, always seeking perfection, never satisfied!. Result not a blind bit of notice! Nobody really cared except me! A couple of wayward double takes but then full acceptance. Why had I waited so long to wear that short revealing skirt. Why had I as always in the past let ‘the fear’  get in the way. Bugger I was pissed off! How much time had I lost as I am now a wrinkly old fart!

Susie and her dressing pals had had far more fun with bigger chests, bigger legs, bigger forearms and bigger shoulders than me out and about. Me for the bulk of time I stayed in and gambled with going out only to realise it was no big deal. When I went out I encountered only positive remarks, only positive encouragement and only positive advances. Damn why did I wait so long. Why had I gone for so many years avoiding the chance to get out and about in that very short far too revealing dress that I  had always avoided on the basis that it caused too much attention. BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER! Ah well as maturity has arrived I just put it down to a lot more experience and far too little guts! And a group of us are about to extend it with a trip to Masapalomas in Gran Canaria (why do the call it the Big Dog?) so watch this space for an interesting itinerary!
I always looked forward to autumn with the arrival of black and the enhancement of curves, to darker stockings and black heels. Now I am looking quizzically at a summer wardrobe of colour that maybe replaced by the dowdiness of autumn and winter shades.
IMG_0840I have enjoyed fake tanning my legs with  Mac body paint and exposing them bare in public for the first time. I have worn open toed sandals, a bugger to walk in if they have killer heels. I enjoyed having the confidence to wear less make up, not as glam but less sweaty! I also stopped wearing a corset as much as a ‘body’ suffices and its so much more comfortable. It has been fun. But oh the return of stockings, severe curves from a corset, bodycon dresses, slinky undergarments and close toed shoes or even better boots…ah now that’s going to be fun, God I love the return of autumn just as much!
There it is said! Summer was fun but the feast of the next few months fills me with more joy. Somehow it allows me to be more expressive, actually that is a fib, it allows me to play with the tranny side more expressively.   It’s a great buzz.

On a second issue I had a bit of an epiphany this week. I often write in my blogs about how I love the whole change of mindset that overcomes me in becoming Tara. The whole issue of how I can feel myself changing in my physical actions, my mental approach, my physical form and how excited it makes me feel. But this takes a bit of time, for me, to adjust from the male ‘do it, solve it’ mentality to transvestite with a softer, ‘take your time’, relaxed approach. At least a couple of days!
So it was a little disheartening when  a GG I have known for many years (and with whom I have had good discussions) who has known many Trannies, once again suggested we just put a dress on and go out…’you’ll have such a great time’. I thought she had understood what I had said about how it takes time and planning for ‘the change’. That putting on a dress and some make-up does not make Tara, it makes ‘him’ in a dress and I don’t get the same rush as I get out of the whole build-up to the event. I so enjoy the chase as much as the kill, maybe even more so!Trans Flag
But then I realised how could she understand something she cannot feel. That only a tranny who identifies with this change can comprehend the metamorphosis that overcomes us as we transform from male to transvestite (note I rarely use the word ‘female’ because I do not see myself as female more a member of the third sex). One can have some empathy in what they see in terms of look and actions but to comprehend what is going on inside our minds can only come with experiencing this whole change from caterpillar to butterfly. The gestation period cocoon time is much longer than they can understand. In the past with me it took the fun of several days now I can just about get the buzz in 36 hours!
One thing my partner Susie says is that during her dressings with Trannies she notices, almost universally,  how there are major changes taking place: she sees girls constantly stroking their nylon clad legs; their love to dance; the huge sigh as their alter-ego is revealed in the mirror; a complete softening of their mannerisms and a real sense of calmness. What she nor anybody else, who has not experienced it, cannot see is the alteration in the mindset that this is causing and why we suddenly develop little idiosyncrasies that some rarely comprehend. This is at the root of why the Transvestite (as very, very distinct from the Transsexual) community cannot hope to be accepted by society because they cannot explain it. So when I now realise why people do not understand what is happening I have to realise that it would take an entire book to explain what is going on inside my head and therefore how the hell are they expected to comprehend me. Now when I am asked at short notice to get dressed and go out I am far more tolerant I just say…’not tonight my headache has not yet arrived’. XXX
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