Category: Passing AS A Girl


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Go On Express Yourself

I have always loved hiding behind the veil of transvestism. It affords me so many opportunities to express an inner self that is for the most part hidden. So many of the ‘girls I meet love the freedom that dressing gives them. It opens so many doors that the vanilla boy could never explore. So many identify with a second person within the one body.

I have always talked about how I can feel my whole mindset changing as I create the alternative persona of Tara. Susie my partner who runs the dressing service Chateau Femme says she sees it in most of her girls and loves not only seeing the physical transformation but also the mental changes that manifest themselves once a girl is dressed. She definitely sees it in me and you can read about all the fun we have had with that side in previous posts!!
I love the whole release from the norms of ‘vanilla’ life. It is a wonderful release. I feel that over the years the strictures of adulthood, my family upbringing, schooling and general attitudes prevalent in society have ensured I was conditioned to be a particular type of conformist. I was never the rebel and life remained a little more prosaic as a result. I recognise now that in order to get on I subordinated other drives within myself in order to climb the greasy pole of corporate life. It is only since I became self-employed making my own decisions, unencumbered by politics or political correctness that I allowed other aspects of my life to emerge and flourish. This has been bit by bit no road to Damascus moment for me.
I was out with a group of girls at the BNO and it was interesting to hear how they got to where they are and had the courage to be out for a fun night with the rest of the girls. Many said that those first steps were filled with trepidation but they had put the barriers in their own minds and they were continually looking at the worst case scenario. Top of that list was being recognised, found out and exposed to friends and family. I am not going to tell anyone to forget this aspect of fear but I would say put it into perspective. You are putting different clothes on, hiding behind a veil of make up and even sunglasses, then going to venues your friends, family and office colleagues never visit so the chances are slim. What I now know was that I feel there was an incredible missed opportunity in particular in my thirties for some great fun!
 Susie says that so many of her clients say after their first dressing they wished they had also done it earlier but they, as so many of us, have decided that retreat is the better part of valour, and how you could possibly tell your partner having hidden this secret for so long! It is impossible to really say there is a perfect way to tell someone (see previous postings). Suffice to say people are more accepting than you think once they get their head around it! But then again it is also a very distracting (and addictive) hobby and I probably would have not put as much effort into my work and family life if I had been having the fun I now do. Ah life is so much about choices!!!IMG_0848
Being able to dress however allows me to break the barriers. The physical act of putting on femme clothes and in my case clothes that many say I am far too old to wear breaks all the taboos and thus releases the ‘devil’ (with a small d) in me. Suddenly the blinkers are off and the freedom this allows me is amazing. Sorry girls I know I am a bad dancer but who cares, that is  the least of my worries! In younger days this allowed me to experiment with aspects of my sexuality as I really did not know why I dressed and how it affected me. Been there, done it, bought the strap-on thrown it in the bin. I always say try everything once except incest and Morris dancing! Nowadays the experimental side has taken a back seat as I have settled into enjoying the paths that I do not regard as dead ends. And there are plenty of those. Oh God there are plenty of those!
So this includes things such as heels that are too high, skirts that are too short and dresses that are far too tight. This can take a frightful toll on the budgets as you are buying clothes for 2 people, though I must say the man budget is less than half the woman’s. As for make up this is getting more elaborate but not in so much of a drag queen way! Instead I watch You-tube try to hide, layer and preen in a more sophisticated way than I did 5 years ago. One foundation…you must be crazy! What is more evident how encompassing things have now become. I have time to experiment. How does contouring work? Is taping or nude bras the best way to create cleavage? What is the best way to tuck?  Is it easier to walk in heels with or without a sway? Etc. etc. etc.
In recent months as Tara has got out on a more consistent basis so it has had a double effect. Firstly it is slightly addictive in its nature as you get an inner excitement from dressing and just love to see yourself dolled up on a regular basis, so you need this outlet. Secondly you do start to feel that something is lacking in your schedule if you cannot dress once a week, the beast needs to be sated…again and again.  This is a warning to all those who either cannot dress as they please or that their partner does not want to see them dressed.  To tumblr_l09myxO3EB1qzsdz2o1_500them I suggest keep it to a special once a month event and recognise that after that event you have to put the girl away and focus on life’s other priorities. All of us hate that time at the end of the evening when you are in front of the mirror and you are taking the girly face off to be replaced by Mr Sexual Norm. It is a real downer, but instead think how lucky you have been to have the ‘b###s’ to have done this and had an experience of which so many others are very envious.  For those of you who can dress how and where as they please look back at a past article where I say you should be considerate of your surroundings and others and not thrust your lifestyle in their face…ah yes, another avenue I closed off many moons ago xxx
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In recent weeks there are so many new stories surfacing on Crossdressing and Transvestism. Note I have always seen myself as a Transvestite not a Transsexual. In terms of society’s acceptance we are so far back in terms of being understood along with Scientologists and rubber dolls! I get a kick out of dressing but do not feel that I am a real woman, more a fun imitation. A great article written by a Japanese reporter in 2012 entitled 16 Things I Learned From Dressing In Drag was a start then moved onto Japan slowly begins to openly discuss crossdressing men in heterosexual relationships.Always A Start
In this one they mention a photographer who takes pictures of crossdressers. She says that there are three times in a man’s life when he might awaken to the fact that he enjoys women’s clothing. First is puberty, the next is in his 30s/40s, and finally in his 60s after retirement. Each of these tends to be a major turning point in their lives. I haven’t reached my 60’s yet but can definitely identify with earlier times. I  had pangs from 9-14 years old and rediscovered them in my early 30’s. Susie my partner who runs Chateau Femme dressing service says that inquisitive men in their 30’s and retired men in their 60’s are a dominant part of new girls who come to visit. These more mature men have in some cases harboured this desire for a long time. But others have done it on a whim and found themselves a fantastic new hobby, or in a few cases a complete lifestyle.Always A Start

I also loved the article from Rocket News about a ‘Girls’ Club in Tokyo where anyone can dress anyway they like. The bulk of the customers there were not interested in being fun and sexy,  just ‘ We do not want to be girls just cute‘. I thought so true. It really is all about the look for me. Then its about the mannerisms and finally the whole way you act. Susie had just had the stock for her new set of wigs delivered the other day and she asked me to try some on. Without make up on I looked dreadful and this combined with the article struck such a chord.
IMG_0041The whole idea is that we do put a lot of effort in trying to turn the male sow’s ear into a femme silk purse. We tend to like what we see, its better than the male self. OK it may not be that feminine in the truest sense of the word except for a gifted few. But boy do we feel a million dollars. Its not Ted or Bill or Frank looking back at us but a changed person with a femme name and we love it. I have always alluded to the change of mindset that I go through in transforming from male to T. I love the journey and the destination, it leaves me in a really new and perfect place. As I have now had a couple of years of being able to indulge as and when I want I realise it is now a part of me. Its not a drug that is addictive, its now a psychological part of my make up that is a great calming influence on my life.
Parts of it are now creeping into my everyday life such as mannerisms, oh God a limp wrist again, stop walking that way boy, stop slouching and sit up more! Its just fun and I am constantly fighting the brainwashing that I have gone through in conforming to society’s social mores. Its a bit like coming round to say God does not exist when you have had so much religious doctrine imposed on you from such an early age. You feel guilty for something you should not.
I have read that many T-girls in their early days got sexually turned on by dressing, but as time has passed this has waned. I would argue against this for many of us, not all. The whole process of dressing and getting out is a wonderful buzz and just because you have not got a stonker does not mean you still don’t get excited! Oh help us if life has to be bland and nobody can stand out a bit. That also means you cannot belittle Trekky Conventions, Stamp Collectors and Birdwatchers. Each of us have our own bent! The article Why Do I Crossdress shows there are so many shades to this spectrum. (I am no 18!)IMG_1171
This also has bearings on our sexuality or more importantly our psyche. I do get excited by dressing it does give me a buzz and makes me a little more playful or extrovert. But I think the bulk of it is in the mind and for me that is where it stays nowadays. In my younger days the amount of times I found myself chatting to another ‘girl’ in a rather flagrant way were numerous. But only too quickly I would realise this was a fantasy, not a reality, and a girl without her wig and make-up was just a man. It was the look that appealed to me and probably a little bit of the chase, not the kill!
Now I know others disagree with my standpoint as I discussed in an article last year on flirting vs sex some girls are genuinely gay or bi and do find going the whole way part of their way of expressing themselves, the problem with us flirters is that we are sending out the wrong message to people who are genuinely interested in taking things further. Susie has made me realise this and to understand what I thought was harmless fun in reality is playing with peoples feelings too much. I have put a serious stop to it…well most of the time!
XXX

The last few weeks have been quite a tough time for our relationship. You all may think we are in Utopia because I am going out with the perfect partner in my life and that someone loves both the male side of your personality and the femme (though I do prefer to call it my ‘T’) part of your life. But when it comes down to having a good honest chat about what both of you are genuinely feeling you realise that adopting your ideal T side a rather large gulf can arise. Let’s look at the arguments.
I have always said that as a tranny I love the idea of going out and engaging with others, particularly those that are fascinated by trannies. Susie calls it ‘strutting my stuff’ in front of people. I love the whole concept that I can send out much more overt signals dressed as a ‘T’ than I could ever do dressed as a man. This gives me an intense buzz. I do love the fact that people appreciate the look and that I have put a fair bit of effort into achieving Tara. Yes Tara is very very vain!IMG_1191
But this vanity is also matched by the fact that I actually feel ‘sexy’ when dressed. Susie said that was normal, but I said that I never felt sexy looking at myself in a mirror as a man but I get an intense sexual rush looking at and being Tara. Its not turned on but just a strong urge to act sexy.  I said I felt such a strong sensation when I dress and get and even bigger hit when I go out. As a man I am as Susie says a bit dapper in my dress style, but I never feel as if I am showing off. She on the other hand says I look sexy but I neither feel nor think I encourage this emotion. But you put me in a figure hugging dress. high heels and a blonde wig and I feel fantastic in both my head and my gut though not my loins…sorry girls I do have two brains but not quite where you expected them! If you can put them together i.e. by dressing them you have a heady cocktail for an very edifying future. But don’t let that get out of hand with anyone and give the impression there is more to come!
The problem is that dressing and seeking attention in public is not very helpful in your relationship. Imagine your wife/girlfriend/partner dressing provocatively and then going out to a local bar or nightclub to flirt and chat with other people. Not that great eh! But to all intents and purposes that is exactly what we are doing by dressing and going out. It’s not really fair on either party and finding a solution that is good for both parties is very difficult. But remember you give up some things to be in a relationship and it cannot be all one way, even for selfish, vain, introspective, sensation seeking Tranny!
How many times do I read, hear or see Trannies saying that their wife/ partner knows what they do but does not want to go out with them. Quite right why would you want to see your love going out dressed in a provocative style to get chatted up. Also why do you want the competition when he has better legs than you or his dress cost more than yours.

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Now I know that many will say I dress purely for myself and not for anyone else and that is true for a few but I do not think so for the majority. Certainly I am mutton dressed as lamb, but that is my style and it’s not going to change. But then why go out? That is the hard one. To all girls who have not ventured out I counsel that it is like opening a Pandora’s Box and its difficult to put back. After you pluck up the courage to go out for the first time simply dressing at home is not enough…well for me. You can walk in heels for more than the 30 feet of your hallway,  you can meet and talk with others of a similar persuasion, you can exchange stories and realise you are not alone in what you are thinking. And the reality is we want to show off our new persona to the world and if we are lucky we get admiring glances, that’s all part of being a tranny to me. Do I want to to be chatted up no not really. A mild flirtation ‘en passant’ maybe. Do I want to have sex definitely not so why the hell am I here. There in lies the nub of transvestism. An intensely uplifting experience that comes from deep within that releases a different kind of beast than when you are in boy mode. It’s very much a mindset, or as the Americans rather crudely put it ‘mind fuck’that puts you in a different place.
I have eluded in past editions of this blog to ‘the zone’ as I call it. A time when I am dressed and an intense calm comes over me. It is a bit like mindfulness. You are living purely for the moment and just looking at and feeling what is going on around you. You see yourself in the mirror dressed in the way you want to look, you accept that this is you and you cannot fight the wrinkles or bits of excess fat or imperfections that make you ‘non-girl’. Instead you take a deep breath let the shoulders relax and say yes I am there. I see the inner Tara.
Susie says with her dressings at Chateau Femme she sees the same with so many girls. What they see in themselves when dressed is probably not the reality . But what she also sees is a form of calm excitement. Calmness on the outside because they are finally transformed, but also a set of wilder emotions welling up from within. A heady mixture which I can identify with. In my earlier days this gave me a chance to experiment with other aspects of my personality and I tried a few blind alleys on my own personal voyage of discovery. What I know now is that as a result of being able to have open honest and frank discussions with Susie I have been able to comprehend much more of the drivers within me. Thank you darling!Cimg2005_pp

So the problem of whether a T girl and her GG girlfriend can go out together is a current ongoing discussion for us. The first step though is the flirting nature of Tara has to be reigned in simply because not being able to go out dressed with your best friend and lover is not an option! So start working on the compromises girls and the best times will flow.

XXX Tara

A Happy Christmas to all readers. Hopefully this year the blog has allowed you all to see you are neither alone nor an exception to what is going on in the T-Girl world. Your problems and adventures are shared by so many and whilst you may be unique a lot of the things that may concern you are shared by others.

I was out last week with a few girls at the Big Night Out at Pink Punters near Milton Keynes, which is a great place for your first night out dressed if you fancy it, and after several hours chat I realised we all had so much in common. So I thought as a rather light hearted side I would reveal the common elements of going out en femme.
  1. The Planning – starts about 2 weeks out as I go through my entire wardrobe thinking what might work and what will not only to find a week beforehand that there is a theme for the night I had missed. Oh good a chance to add to the wardrobe!
  2. Shopping – I cant believe I told the lady in Debenhams that the underwear  (nice bra and panties) I was buying was for me. She then helped me to a quiet cubicle and gave me so many options! Why was I so scared of what she might think!
  3. The Hotel – Aaaargh! I have to walk through the hotel lobby dressed! Hotels have never seen any ‘different’ guests. Everyone they see and meet is normal. They will look at me as a freak amongst the thousands of faceless guests they serve every year as employees of a large faceless multi-national. There is no way that they see me as a guest that provides some novelty and a break from the bland that makes life more varied and fun!
  4. The Suitcase – for a one night away this is akin to a 2 week holiday clothes terms. You can always tell a Tranny’s luggage. All girls bring at least 5 outfits to try out or experiment, then opt for their favourite as they know they will be both sexy and comfortable in it!
  5. Shoes – God we love those high high heels but after much experience we all know that at a certain point in the evening due to alcohol or just pure fatigue your calves give way and you seem to be stumbling around. You need those reserve flats that you have brought in your handbag
  6. Timing – you’ve got to the room in plenty of time hang up things, you lay your clothes for the night out , have that lovely shower and de-fuzz and generally de-stress. Then suddenly you only have 15 minutes to get ready and you know it will normally take another 45 minutes. Where the bloody hell did that time go. You spent too long in the shower getting rid of that last hair, you spent too much time getting the foundation perfect, you had difficulty finding things in the mess in the suitcase, on your bed, floor, wardrobe, corridor outside. You had to try on those 8 outfits at least twice and look for combinations. I need 8 hours to prepare far less 2! I will never complain if a woman is an hour late again!
  7. Extras – nails, false eyelashes, hip pads, gaffs, shapewear etc. etc. etc. all those extras that help you transform but in the panic to get out on time at least half of them will be jettisoned. Did I really need 4 foundations, three shades of red lipstick, tights, hold ups, stockings and suspenders as well as 3 handbags 2 coats and 4 jackets and not a pair of jeans in sight!
  8. Photos – do I want them taken oh yes I must have a record of the night…but then what if someone from accounts spots them on the TVChix website or they gain access to another girls website with my pic as part of the group on it. No I will play safe and sit in the background. They can instantly recognise me with this make-up and wig on in amongst the other 70 trannies at this event!
  9. My Skirt/Dress – its too short!  Look at me a Tranny of advancing years parading around in a short skirt and heels what will people think. Oh that girl over there is doing the same and that one oh and that one as well, and oh my God that real girl is twice my size and wearing an even shorter skirt…it looks great!
  10. I Am Not Going To Pass – nope you are not, you will be clocked by looks, demeanour, voice, nerves, wig, make up. Get over it. Trannies now just accept it. They are making their statement. They conform to their principles not being a doormat for society’s conformist minority. Ultimately within realistic bounds what is the worst thing that can happen.
  11. What am I to say – I would love to talk about me and what I am going through but that would be too rude! Oh we are all doing it and I am not the only one thinking like this!
  12. Well At Least I Won’t Get Chatted Up! – I cant believe so many strangers women, men and in-betweenies were interested in me. I wish I had thought what I was going to say especially when they asked me out! And as for that cheeky barman!!!
  13. Am I Going Gay – I really liked being chatted up by that bloke. It was such a buzz and I even started to flirt with him! This Tranny mindset is really playing with my sexuality. And I must stop stroking these highjly erotic sensual stockings all the time. Thankfully it all came crashing down when I tried to run my fingers through my hair and the wig did a 90 degree turn
  14. Christmas – bloody hell its cold in this short skirt and stockings! I really have to think boots, long coat, gloves,scarf and a portable log fire. Not flimsy bomber and strappy sandals.
  15. The Bag Lady – this envelope the call a bag is useless for the 4 cats of primer plus 2 mascaras, lip liner, lipstick nail glue, spare tights, bpy wallet (because I hadn’t thought girl purse) keys etc etc etc.
  16. Drink – oh dear the nerves got the better of me and I polished off those two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc (extra large) far too fast in the first 15 minutes
  17. And So To Bed – wow what an evening, I wished it hadn’t ended and why was I so scared. But oh being scared was really exciting

Get out girls and have a very merry Christmas time. Or at least make a New Years Resolution to do it. See you at ethe BNO in January

xxx Tara

As promised in my last blog lets move on from relationships. Now I know Christmas is a long way off but its one of those times when there are so many opportunities to get out dressed. My partner Susie at her dressing service at Chateau Femme gets a significant number of requests to go out either on her own or as part of our group Susie’s Angels. But for this we need to look good, or as good as we can get. Short of surgery, especially in my case, or lying through the photoshop or portrait professional pictue adaption software there are a few tips for helping us ageing trannies. To you younger ones reading this blog I say bitch! I hate you and wish I had been born in an era that was as acceting of transevstism. Just read this and realise all the effort we have to go through at our advanced age!!!4223030276_d031fd6e03_m
I was delighted to read an article by Helen Mirren on how she looked so good at her age. Basically she is saying use shorter hair, those longer tresses half way down your back as they are for the young, but still as men cover your ears  as they tend to be larger than women’s . Go blonde, very blonde, wear a lot more sparkle and go a shade darker in your foundation so the contrast makes the face much brighter.
Other things I have found work for me is go to light brown eyebrows as opposed todarker colours as this tends to make your now drooping eyes look larger,  lay off heavy eyeliner and mascara. One I also like is using using a contrasting lip colour to define the lips and give you a pout!
An article I found on Women Fashion Tips which I paraphrase below gave a set of really good tips on ageing make-up as follows:
Ageing is the fact of life but wrinkles and fine lines showing up on your face is an ugly fact indeed. So, you can change this by applying makeup properly to your face. Unlike what many women think, you really do not need to go for harsh skin treatments only to end up hurting your skin; instead you can use your makeup kit in a slightly different way to achieve a younger look. Remember, using the right amount of makeup will help in reducing wrinkle display. By following makeup tips to look younger you will continue to receive compliments from others on your young look.
When we apply anti-ageing makeup it should fulfil certain criteria which will help you understand that you have achieved the desired look. The makeup should:

  • Reduce wrinkles, crow’s feet, fine lines
  • Conceal dark circles and age spots
  • Moisturize your skin evenly to provide a hydrated look
  • Provide sun protection
  • Improve your good features
Man to WomanOnce you find your make-up provides all these you know that you have achieved the desired effect.
Anti-Ageing Makeup Primers
Applying anti aging makeup primers is one of the best makeup tips to look younger because it absorbs the extra oil secreted by your skin glands making you appear fresh all day. Use it under your makeup to get the best results.
Applying Foundation
Apply foundations that are light in texture with moisturizing effect for your skin to cover up your age spots and wrinkles. Using proper skin toned foundation is among the most important makeup tips to look younger. Mineral foundations render a glow to your skin without the oily effect and blending it properly can work wonders.
Face Powder
Some face powders are available with minerals and anti-aging elements; apply these to get the desired effect. In fact, it is wise to use powder sparingly.
Applying Blusher
The most significant of makeup tips to look younger is the application of blusher. When used properly on the apple of cheeks and blended nicely it can provide the best result and you will appear half your age. Also apply a shimmery shadow on the cheekbones to provide an uplifting effect for sagging skin. For an evening look use a matte variety of the same shade. It is also recommended to use creamy blushers instead of powders for a healthy rosy glow on your cheeks.
Eye Makeup
Remember, that you have to achieve a softer look for your eyes and thus apply the liner closest to the eyelash and smudge it with gentle hands. Doing a proper eye makeup is often most vital among the makeup tips to look younger. Use brow powder or eye shadow to fill in sparse eyebrows and sweep it gently over them to make the brows appear voluminous.
Concealer
Key to the makeup tips to look younger, a concealer as the name suggests conceals the fine lines, dark spots, wrinkles on your face. Makeup experts advise applying liquid concealer of a lighter shade than your skin tone on the inner and outer corner of the eyes to achieve the desired effect. Concealers can also be used on small blemishes and marks to cover them up.
Using Lipstick
With age the lips lose its rosy so start using rosy lipsticks to make them appear full, hydrated and beautiful. A little amount of gloss in the midsection of the lower lip will make it look fuller. Also consider using fillers. Tinted lip balms are great makeup tip to look younger.
Hair Style 
Crucial to makeup tips to look younger is a good hair style that makes your hair appear voluminous, soft and shiny. Get long and loose curls on your hair to make them voluminous and bouncy and use hair color sparingly These are simple tips but give all of us some guidelines. Lisa Eldridge also has some very good tips for eyes at Lisa Eldridge and Elle magazine shows you common mistakes you can make. Finally for all of us who wear wigs it can be a ‘glowing’ and denuding experience if you are hitting the dance floor at the festive time of year. A good guide for you is at Anna Marie Gianni
Get Practicing!!!tumblr_mt4u0o4Yju1qggxuvo1_500

Next blog will look at a few of the Christmas pitfalls for us girls!  XXX

lipschewWriting this blog has been incredibly cathartic for me. It has allowed me to look at my Tranny side and endeavour to analyse why I am a Tranny and why I indulge it so much. It has allowed me, in part, to evaluate why I enjoy this lifestyle so much and realise there is no perfect answer just some good generalities. As a result I don’t dwell on the worries so much and just have fun. However recently this ‘get on and enjoy it girl’ mentality has thrown up a much bigger issue is that Tara is in essence a selfish and self-centred individual. I have become someone who eschews the real things pursuing a hedonistic pastime indulging in the lesser aesthetic needs. I love the fact that I have a much freer lifestyle it has on the flip side a much more damaging effect on the one I truly love.
After another recent argument with my wonderful, adorable, understanding girlfriend the other night, and they have become more frequent, I realised I had a problem, which after a lot of soul-searching I realised a lot of Trannies must have.
Let me go back. For years I was the typical closet cross dresser. Stealing moments of dressing time, going out rarely, hiding clothing in weird and wonderful places, hiding it from my wife and hiding in general from the world. I was wondering all the time what was my sexuality and what drove me down this path. But as I had no chance of gratifying or satisfying these needs more often I just put it down as a pastime in which I would indulge from time to time. Most of it was lived in my head , and on-line not in reality. Thank God for the internet for keeping me sane!  Then I divorced and met my perfect soul mate who likes, or I thought liked, both sides. I was now given free rein to dress more or less as often as  I wanted and go out as I pleased. I was given the perfect life. Nothing shocked her I could yield to the fun side and she knew all my dark places. I could dress at home, go out to clubs, be my flirty self as much as I liked, always with my partner there or thereabouts. I was focussed on Tara for the first time in my life and I went for it. God how I went for it!!!
But after our argument the other night It dawned on me that the girl was becoming too strong a drive in our relationship. She had become a bit like, a drug an itch that had to be scratched, an open wound! My girlfriend was concerned that as in many relationships she had had or been involved with TV’s that the 10% of the time Tara was around was becoming all-consuming with the fear that it might become 50% or even more. On top of that Tara was not interested in her or what we were doing. I said this was rubbish and that both Tara and The Boy loved her.
But after we went to bed the brain started ticking. I looked at myself objectively. I was lying in bed with my toenails painted, shaven from head to toe, my eyebrows waxed, shaped and tinted, my face had had a good couple of treatments, I was concerned that my fingernails were not growing fast enough and I was looking forward to receiving my next purchase from eBay. Over the next month we were going out about 6 times (in the past I would be lucky to get out 6 times in a year). I would get irritable if I was not allowed the time and space to transform into Tara and blamed her for a lack of understanding of my predicament. I got frustrated if we did not have ‘Tara Time’ on a regular basis and got really hacked off if she did not come out because she was too tired. It was me me me. I had become the beast and not realised it!legs1
Lying in bed the other night, well it’s obvious I do my thinking there, I had an epiphany. What the hell was I doing. Why had I become such a self-centred slut. What was driving me? I realised it was a combination of new-found freedom combined with advancing age, I am in my late fifties. I had been trying to make up for lost time and to enjoy as much as I could before the ravages of age set in…too late!
I understand now that this has been the classic example of someone being offered the forbidden fruit and pursing it whole heatedly to the exclusion of others who they hold most dear. It has to stop, or are least be seriously reigned in, for order to be re-established and for the benefit of the thing I hold most dear in the world, my girlfriend.
I look around at some of the events we attend, the Facebook pages and Twitter feeds, the TVChix forums and the more racy on-line message boards and see many who have given in completely to the ‘dark side’. There are so many that complain of wives and girlfriends not understanding and then find solace in tranny outings. They think I have it perfect but in reality it’s about finding balance. In another scenario I can see me becoming them, totally consumed by the high of their alter ego to the exclusion of all others. There are a lot of lonely trannies out there driven by the femme side who live for the excitement, approval and rush that dressing gives. But like many an addiction when one is over the focus is on the next hit to the exclusion of many others. But that has such a downside in the destruction of your relationship with the person that matters and for me that has to stop NOW!
So I have decide to take a step back for now to redress the balance. Putting the girl away, well most of the time, and getting on with the more important things. Some will say I am denying myself something I love. To that I say the loss of the other side is far, far greater and something I am not going to countenance. I am sure I will be back, look at how many times I purged my wardrobe! But the Tara that returns will not be so driven, not so self-centred. Just one more at ease with the way in which her relationship has developed.
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I will continue my blogs naturally but they will have a more detached viewpoint and look at achieving good boy-girl balances Au Revoir not Adieu xxx Tara

I do not care what many say, the arrival of autumn is an absolute godsend for many Trannies, or it was in the past! Summer represented a terrible time with kids around the place, not a moments privacy, unable to shave legs, hot sweaty temperatures creating runny make-up, long days when you did not want to go out, short nights being unable to get out and the interminable effect of wearing a wig in the sun, meant there were so many barriers to letting the girl within come out. Before this year I hated the long lay-off before Tara could re – emerge from the confines of the summer recess. In fact I am sure I had regular withdrawal symptoms where I became tetchy and moody. With the arrival of longer nights and cooler climes I could finally put on stockings, black dresses, a wig and undergarments without sweating like an 8 furlong racehorse on Epsom Downsrosie-true-flirty-summer-dress.This summer I have got out more than ever before and had the guts to show my well-developed (male) shoulders in a more skimpy frock than I had ever imagined I would have done, even though I still make every effort to hide the male attributes as best as possible, always seeking perfection, never satisfied!. Result not a blind bit of notice! Nobody really cared except me! A couple of wayward double takes but then full acceptance. Why had I waited so long to wear that short revealing skirt. Why had I as always in the past let ‘the fear’  get in the way. Bugger I was pissed off! How much time had I lost as I am now a wrinkly old fart!
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Susie and her dressing pals had had far more fun with bigger chests, bigger legs, bigger forearms and bigger shoulders than me out and about. Me for the bulk of time I stayed in and gambled with going out only to realise it was no big deal. When I went out I encountered only positive remarks, only positive encouragement and only positive advances. Damn why did I wait so long. Why had I gone for so many years avoiding the chance to get out and about in that very short far too revealing dress that I  had always avoided on the basis that it caused too much attention. BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER! Ah well as maturity has arrived I just put it down to a lot more experience and far too little guts! And a group of us are about to extend it with a trip to Masapalomas in Gran Canaria (why do the call it the Big Dog?) so watch this space for an interesting itinerary!
I always looked forward to autumn with the arrival of black and the enhancement of curves, to darker stockings and black heels. Now I am looking quizzically at a summer wardrobe of colour that maybe replaced by the dowdiness of autumn and winter shades.
IMG_0840I have enjoyed fake tanning my legs with  Mac body paint and exposing them bare in public for the first time. I have worn open toed sandals, a bugger to walk in if they have killer heels. I enjoyed having the confidence to wear less make up, not as glam but less sweaty! I also stopped wearing a corset as much as a ‘body’ suffices and its so much more comfortable. It has been fun. But oh the return of stockings, severe curves from a corset, bodycon dresses, slinky undergarments and close toed shoes or even better boots…ah now that’s going to be fun, God I love the return of autumn just as much!
There it is said! Summer was fun but the feast of the next few months fills me with more joy. Somehow it allows me to be more expressive, actually that is a fib, it allows me to play with the tranny side more expressively.   It’s a great buzz.

On a second issue I had a bit of an epiphany this week. I often write in my blogs about how I love the whole change of mindset that overcomes me in becoming Tara. The whole issue of how I can feel myself changing in my physical actions, my mental approach, my physical form and how excited it makes me feel. But this takes a bit of time, for me, to adjust from the male ‘do it, solve it’ mentality to transvestite with a softer, ‘take your time’, relaxed approach. At least a couple of days!
So it was a little disheartening when  a GG I have known for many years (and with whom I have had good discussions) who has known many Trannies, once again suggested we just put a dress on and go out…’you’ll have such a great time’. I thought she had understood what I had said about how it takes time and planning for ‘the change’. That putting on a dress and some make-up does not make Tara, it makes ‘him’ in a dress and I don’t get the same rush as I get out of the whole build-up to the event. I so enjoy the chase as much as the kill, maybe even more so!Trans Flag
But then I realised how could she understand something she cannot feel. That only a tranny who identifies with this change can comprehend the metamorphosis that overcomes us as we transform from male to transvestite (note I rarely use the word ‘female’ because I do not see myself as female more a member of the third sex). One can have some empathy in what they see in terms of look and actions but to comprehend what is going on inside our minds can only come with experiencing this whole change from caterpillar to butterfly. The gestation period cocoon time is much longer than they can understand. In the past with me it took the fun of several days now I can just about get the buzz in 36 hours!
One thing my partner Susie says is that during her dressings with Trannies she notices, almost universally,  how there are major changes taking place: she sees girls constantly stroking their nylon clad legs; their love to dance; the huge sigh as their alter-ego is revealed in the mirror; a complete softening of their mannerisms and a real sense of calmness. What she nor anybody else, who has not experienced it, cannot see is the alteration in the mindset that this is causing and why we suddenly develop little idiosyncrasies that some rarely comprehend. This is at the root of why the Transvestite (as very, very distinct from the Transsexual) community cannot hope to be accepted by society because they cannot explain it. So when I now realise why people do not understand what is happening I have to realise that it would take an entire book to explain what is going on inside my head and therefore how the hell are they expected to comprehend me. Now when I am asked at short notice to get dressed and go out I am far more tolerant I just say…’not tonight my headache has not yet arrived’. XXX
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Once again a chat with some good girls at a party last week we had some great discussions about ourselves and who we were and this prompted this week’s blog.
Basically we were discussing how we handled the dual roles of boy and girl.  Because I like little boxes and trying to help people understand themselves I felt we had 3 personality types in our group.  Now I know its wrong to put people into boxes but it helps to clarify our mind sets.
So I think we had the following:

  1. The TS – a person who is a woman trapped in a man’s body and only feels right when she will have the look and the feel of a real woman. Most will have said that they felt like this from a very early age and they can only release their true self through a full operation to remove offending male bits. But recently I have met some TS’s who have identified much later in life that exposing their female side has resulted in them becoming a much calmer and more satisfied person in themselves. Because of psychological analysis of themselves hormones and the appreciation of society they seem to have found an identity which was missing in their past or has been reawakened. There was never a drive to transform just a realisation that the more they went down the TS route the more happy they feel within themselves and as a result the more accepting they are of this new reality. It was great to see Kelly (Frank) Maloney come out this week in the news…I think a book is in the offing!!
  2. alice6The Transvestite – basically a man who likes to dress from time to time. This person tries to keep the female and male personalities highly distinct. They get a really big kick from the change in their mindset from male to female. They love the fact that in their normal life their dress and activities are fairly staid and only come alive when they dress. These girls have a tendency towards the more sexy erotic part of dressing. They love to expose flesh through short skirts and vulgar high heels. Their mannerisms and activities accentuate the femininity. Watch their hand movements, probably over exaggerated, they love to stroke their sexy stockings, they tend to be a bit coquettish as they are flirting with themselves as much as with others. The whole presentation is a reflection of an ideal person they have at the back of their minds they want to replicate. Some say this is the ideal woman they want to bed, but I disagree that is too simple a summary. Maybe initially, but after a while it is the whole look and feel of the person they want to think of themselves as presenting to others. The flip from boy to girl mode gives them an incredible rush as an almost schizophrenic personality arrives. It also gives many a lovely mask to hide behind and allows them to show a more extrovert personality than they might otherwise not have in boy mode
  3. The Androgen – a person who is blending the male and female persona into an identity that can switch between either gender orientation. This person tries to incorporate many of the female elements of dressing into their day-to-day male dress, opting for unisextops and bottoms that  blur gender identity. Their mannerisms can become more relaxed and effete..Posture tends to become more angular  they grow their hair longer than straight and become a blur of roles. When dressed in girl mode they tend to adopt more traditional ‘acceptable’ dress types for their age group and see going out down the street fully dressed as just a part of who they are not an alternative personality. They blur all gender barriers and see dressing as just an extension of their personality, rather than creating a new one!IMG_0875
2013-10-12 00.08.16OK I am sure there are others such as panty wearers and others who get a sexual kick out of wearing particular items of the opposite sex. But I am referring to those who go out dressed in public as a part of their real life, not just ones that get a quick wank of some item of clothing that gives them a ‘hit’.
Of course from my writings you can see I fall into category 2. I love the whole process of turning from the boy to the girl. I can’t do this in 20 minutes. I need about 2 hours during which the ritual of preparation and selection of what Tara will wear occurs. Costs me a bloody fortune as I normally think I need  a treat and have to buy myself something for that particular event! These actions of selection and preparation changes my mindset which I absolutely adore. My girlfriend knows that I need that time to myself in order to bring out the true Tara otherwise, I just feel like a  cock in a frock! It is the mental stimulation that drives my inner and outer feelings. Though I have to say when dressed I do feel very sexy!

I was at a lively party hosted by the wonderful Annabel last week. Her parties are always great fun and an opportunity for all walks of tranny life to come together for a few hours. They offer a rare opportunity for the more closeted trans folk to get all dolled up and engage in ‘girly’ fun within the confines of a private residence away from the prying eyes of disapproving society.

The party splits into 2 sides which are not mutually exclusive. On the one are those that just love to have the opportunity to dress and engage in social conversation with other trannies and admirers giving them an opportunity to just let go. On the other it gives those who get physically turned-on by dressing  a chance to meet others who engender the same feelings and see how things play out…principally in the bedroom. Its clean its safe and its great fun at all level.maletofemale

At all these parties the main topic of conversation is always tranny life in general. Newbies are desperate to find out if they are the only one with a particular bent for something be it shoes, short skirts, blonde wigs, dildos or dogging. The more advanced are looking to share many of the minutiae of their tranny life, how they realised they were a tranny and how their life has developed.

A vast bulk of the conversation is about their significant others.The bulk feel very guilty about what they have done (see my previous posts for more) but above all they all seem to care that they will not hurt their partner too much.

After the party a few of us stayed for dinner and the topic turned to Tranny acceptance. We all agreed for a tranny’s well being the first step is to move beyond what society has taught you about being a tranny and accept it within yourself. To come to terms with this deeply rooted driver that is within you and start to move on to a new life. For people like myself who had so much guilt (due to social conditioning) and had purged her wardrobe on at least 3 occasions this was just a cycle that repeated itself over and over again. It was only after 20 years of doing this I finally accepted who I was. I am a much better person for it, though some of the sensibilities remain.

I am amazed and very jealous of one of the girls Emma Reid (who I hope will not mind me saying is not a girl in her twenties) who over a period of less than 3 years has moved from being relatively unaware of her femme persona to full acceptance, a massive wardrobe and regularly travels in public en femme. She is very pretty but at 6ft 4ins in heels and a penchant for short skirts (who hasn’t!) can stand out. But she has come to terms with this in a very short period of time which is truly laudable and a fantastic example to all who are in the closet and worried!

Where we disagreed was how much we should impose our trans self on the general public. We all agreed that people are much, much more accepting of trannies than they were say 10 years ago. I can remember every time I went out (mainly in London) I would attract some form of attention, never aggressive just someone wanting to say ‘I spotted you’ and in many cases a compliment and an invite ensued. It wasn’t hostile but overt or a pure rejection that you existed. Society’s pressures had told them that trannies were gay, odd and definitely not one of us! Actually I think I quite liked that. I liked being odd and definitely got a kick out of doing something out of the norm. Quite a turn-on!

Nowadays society is much more accepting and its even better. Whilst I don’t think people can understand trannies because trannies themselves cannot explain why they like to dress. Its so much easier. When I am looking at clothes in shops assistants say ‘don’t be afraid to try it on,’ other customers (and I am in boy mode) say wow I would love to see you dressed and best of all I seem to attract a lot more female attention than I did 10 years ago…bugger! So lucky for the newly emerging trannies!

But where we diverted was that some of the girls felt that they are not offending anyone when they go out. They believe people really don’t mind or care so there is no real need to worry about stepping out of the front door and where we go. In fact people are so frightened of offending transgender people that they will never do anything that might come back on them in the media or via the police

I was of the opinion that there were still sensibilities amongst the general public that could be offended. I felt that all the girls were worried what the neighbours would say and hid themselves when leaving the house to avoid idle tittle tattle. So I thought it only right when they were away from their house as the opinions do not change just because they are incognito. I said you should book a table at a restaurant and phone ahead to say who we were just so that service would not suffer when you arrived unannounced. I also said that many gays and lesbians were outwardly hostile to trannies (not TS’s) because again they don’t understand how you can be ‘hetero’ and want to dress..how ironic is that from the prejudice they have suffered over the years. Transphobic gays!!! This is more evident when I go into gay clubs thinking they are more accepting. Instead I get people coming up to me saying why don’t you find your own club, we had to fight for this and you are not welcome!

We really are the last bastion of badly informed sexual prejudice that until we can come to terms with ourselves is not going to be changed soon.

The outcome of our discussions was we agreed that you should be quite unafraid of going into any more adult orientated venues but should think a little before visiting anywhere children were involved purely because of the protective nature of their parents.

Sean_Bean__1566553aThe thing is, people like to socialise with others of a similar disposition and mindset. So trannies like tranny venues where they can indulge in collective discourse of any type! So go to tranny venues or go in a big group and show them your spending power!

As may of you know my girlfriend Susie runs a dressing service called Chateau Femme and of course we discuss the many aspects of the types of girls she sees. Over the last week I think she has finally started to appreciate the kind of ‘girl’ I am. Its good to talk and I do appreciate how lucky I am to be able to discuss with someone who knows so much about the T-Girl community. Listen this might sound like a plug for her business (and it is) but she is a GG who absolutely adores Trannies and enjoys the time she spends with them.

Anyway there are times when she and I are discussing how female dressing makes us ‘girls’. I say not so, for me its a case of being feminine. I like playing with an aspect of my personality that is softer, more relaxed and to be honest more sexy than when I am in lad mode. It is a temporary escape from the vanilla rigours of the more boring male world. A chance to dress and present myself in a way A Great T-Girlthat to be honest excites myself. I am proud to enjoy being a transvestite. But I do not feel a woman. I get a rush from releasing  my feminine persona, but I do not want to be a woman. Perhaps one day we will say I am indulging in my third sex personality and we can blur the male/female distinctions much more. But I also like returning and enjoying my male side as well.

Susie says this is very different from many of her ‘Girls’ as they feel incredibly female when they dress in particular ways. A few do feel that they are a woman trapped in a mans body but the bulk find an intense expression of their personality when dressed. Some feel at home in long ball gowns some in wedding dresses or some in Chanel Twin-sets. The fact is that each can escape for a short time into their own female world. She says each one of has certain buttons that when pushed release a wave of femininity. She loves to watch the changes come over them as she discovers their individual drivers.

One of the hardest things with new girls is overcoming the shyness and guilt associated with cross-dressing and then finding out what are the right things for you. There are triggers that when you discover them bring out your feminine persona more and more. It is a A Great Trannyheady journey that you want to explore and lets be honest part of our male persona likes to take risks. I met Desmond Morris (the well known human anthropologist) several years ago and he always told me that men in particular will create elements of risk in their life even when it does not exist because it gives them a deep primeval rush. Dressing has certainly done that for me God help me if the clandestine nature of this world was taken away…would I take even more risks!

The bigger question for all in your risk assessment is do I want to get out in the wider world, would I pass, would |I be clocked/recognised. The answer to the last question is no. The real question here is more about attitude and presentation as it is about how you look. The less it looks, walks and acts like a duck the less it will be regarded as one (see my last entry). I have known guys that feel mortally offended because they are more attracted to the look of a tranny than the girl standing next to her! This is more about signals that you give out that a better trained social anthropologist can give you a far greater insight. Its really weird I personally do not fancy blokes but get a real kick out of the fact that the way I am dressed is quite attractive to them..odd! But then we are all a little odd.

Yes we are odd but those of us who have been doing this for a long time have now just accepted this and get on with it. To the newer Tranny there is a road to travel with the associated risks (more in your own mind). And boy…or should that be girl..those risks are quite a turn on in their own right

 

 

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