It took a long time for me to realise that my fascination for being a Transvestite was in actual fact a way of liberating an inner part of me that had been hidden deeply on my male side. It is interesting how with this new freedom my femme personality has come to the surface and ultimately evolved into a highly enjoyable relaxed pastime rather than a frustrated sexual event.
In the early days I thought dressing was an innate drive within me to be some kind of a woman, but I enjoyed ‘The Boy’ side as well. I now realise it releases me from those bonds and opens up a different set of desires that have always lain hidden within my mind. I loved the Grayson Perry Channel 4 analysis. on this subject.grayson-perry
The strictures of society and male life impose so many guilty layers on numerous aspects of our personality that it makes it very hard to peel them off and reveal my real Tranny side. I have talked others as to why they dress and so many of us Transvestites agree that it is how you feel when you are dressed that is the key driver that makes you want to do it again and again. This feeling dissipates when you are back in the ‘vanilla’ world.
I have talked in previous articles how for some it is placing the wig; others it’s putting on make-up; the slinky stockings or those forbidden high heels that releases a new person from within. We each have our own triggers.
But is it the real you? I am not sure.,as I am quite happy to put the genie back in the bottle and let her out from time to time.  I have never really worried about passing it’s always been about my mindset. In fact my girlfriend Susie who runs the Chateau Femme dressing service says to her girls that I have actively championed being a Transvestite and play the fact that I am a TV and not a woman nor a TS.
Dressing is all about me, me, me it’s very selfish and to the exclusion of all others, until I am ready. It is so personal. We are very selfish but it’s such an intense, internalised pleasure that is so focussed on what I want  it’s quite difficult to explain and share. Between us we can identify traits that so many Transvestites share but none of us have exactly the same set. So to try to explain to those that have never experienced these feelings it is virtually impossible, This is probably why so many of our partners cannot fathom why we do it and what we get out of it. The Americans have that lovely expression that it is a ‘mind fuck’. Ugly but very perceptive! It indicates that this is our mind-set and only we are in charge of changing it.
So why? Well it’s simple as we have said society makes us conform to, a stereotype ‘The Boy’. He has to do certain things in certain ways and perform accordingly. Unfortunately we also have another side, or several sides even, hidden deep within us that is/are definitely not acceptable to mainstream society. Trannying is the trigger that releases those needs and desires. Those of us who have been bold enough have found that inner person and let it fly will have gone down a myriad of paths as we come to terms with our ‘true’ inner being. In our cases there is a feminine side (note I use the word side) that has layers of masculinity heaped on it and needs a vehicle to let it out and that is what dressing does. But what does femininity mean, pretty relaxed and sexy I say. The question then becomes do you blend the two/three/four sides into one or do you play between them. I am in the latter category and very happy with it.mind-image
However this issue relates to how we feel more than how we act. Yes sometimes this excitement is pretty horny, sometime we get turned on by what we see in the mirror but for the main part it is that intense feeling we get inside ourselves that comes bubbling up that is the most satisfying. We love the appreciation we get but we love seeing ourselves even more!
But what does this release within us? Firstly I believe there is a sensual side. It was interesting to meet a person the other day whose inner girl came out when she wore sensual lacy lingerie, another enjoys the swish of petticoats, another good old Spandex. These sensual pleasures start the whole release that inner person(s). At some point in time however the feeling turns from a sensual outlet to feeling incredibly sexy. For me for example its with the putting on of the wig. It’s an intense emotion that I have rarely felt in boy mode and this is where women have the drop on the men. But somehow through dressing I can access those feelings because I have found a way to release them. After this however the elements of our sexuality come into play as we start to explore who or what we are. This can lead to different types of fun. Right or wrong but we have to try as its part of the nature of this drug!
I for example have a real penchant for shape. I adore the feminine figure and love corsets shapewear and tighter fitting clothes that releases my inner desire that makes me feel incredibly sexy. In the early days this used to turn me on and I became very sexually aroused and playful. It made me look into alternative routes and sexualities.  However in recent years these have abated somewhat as I much prefer just being Tara and realise what ‘she’ gives me. I found the trigger and can now get into the mindset fairly easily. Though I have to say the removal of all the paraphernalia at the end of the evening is a bit of a come down!
This  can explain why so many girls like to dress up as a Sissy, a Secretary, a Maid or a Domme Bitch. It’s something that is part of their make up which has to be accessed or it is the route to that inner person. I used to think that by dressing and making up with wigs and so forth I was transforming myself into my alter-ego and I could hide behind that veil and have lots of fun without being recognised. I now understand this is not true. I physically need to fully transform into the Tara person not just a bit of lippy and a black dress. I need to completely dress in order to access the Tara persona as it changes my mindset, my personality and of course my appearance far away from ‘The Boy’.
It’s a bit like advanced meditation where people reach their inner Nirvana through accessing an inner spirituality. In the same way I reach a space of inner contentment where I feel very sexy and incredibly relaxed. I also find myself very centred and living in the moment, not planning the next step like ‘The Boy’ would do, because the moment is relatively short-lived. If it was acceptable would I do it all the time? No. The laws of diminishing returns apply and would dampen the fun. Its something I love accessing from time to time, not all the time. In some ways it makes me appreciate ‘The Boy’ side as well!malefemale
I think this is why I like being a TV. It allows me a form of escapism from my male shackles. Because it’s an altered reality nothing is really expected of me and the pressures of day-to-day life are lifted. This for many can become all-consuming as the pursuit of pleasure and life on the other side offers a much more appealing option to the hustle and bustle of the expectations of the real life. Beware!
I think some TV’s and many TS’s get very confused about where they are and the default suddenly becomes being dressed not what they want to achieve. Unfortunately this hides the deeper problems they have. But that is one for the psychologists.
Now I think I have things under control…well almost XXX
Another Grayson Perry Links