Oh God this is a recipe for disaster? It’s such a complicated minefield that I could write a bloody book on the subject and still never find a clear route! Trying to say all relationships just like all Transvestites are the same is completely barmy. But as I have tried to do in this blog I am trying to draw some similarities regarding TV relationships without being too general purely to give some form of insight and guidance in such a complicated fieldtransgender-couple_07-1
But let us look at the relationship that is going to emerge with your partner after you reveal yourself. If you are like me when you dress a different person emerges with a different mindset and a very different playset. I become much more relaxed, centred and less judgemental, I plan less and enjoy the moment more. I feel much more sexy and enjoy the attentions of others. In the past I would flirt and enjoy the whole gamut of sexuality that I could do from behind the mask. That part has changed…well almost!
However I also like ‘the boy’ I enjoy the way he plans ahead, how he makes things happen, doesn’t look back except to learn and moves on. Has a get-up-and-go mentality, enjoys risk and a competitive nature. I like the fact that he can blend into the background and observe (not be so obvious as when dressed) a voyeur not a player. I also enjoy keeping the two people very, very separate with different emails, social networks, phones, websites, wardrobes, attitudes to sex, social environments etc. These are two people in the same body, do they get on or are they at war with each other to come out? If you can’t cope with this schizophrenia then what the hell are you unleashing on your partner?
So now you suddenly present your partner with two different people to care for, love and enjoy their respective company. I think it’s crazy for you to expect that they treat each of your respective personas the same. Can you tell me man and a woman who you treat the same. I can’t and yet I have some good male, female and Tranny friends. I treat them very differently as I have different relationships with them all, and I am not talking sexually! I also react differently to them whether I am dressed in boy or girl mode although in most cases they are mutually exclusive. So expecting the relationship with your partner to be the same with each of your personas is just plain crazy.
Remember in most cases your partner fell in love with ‘the boy’ even if they met the girl first (as in my case) because in most of our instances they spend more time with ‘the boy’. If as in the majority of cases they meet ‘the girl’ afterwards there is a hell of a lot of emotional shock that has to be dealt with. Then it’s about putting things back together in the best way you can. Things are not going to, be the same again and it is about re-building your relationship from a very, very different base. Many relationships do not survive this (me for example) because we are not prepared.
Do not consider that you can just continue as it was before. There is going to be far more scrutiny on your re-evaluation of why you are together and where you both (note both you selfish bitch! ) are going to go.
You must also remember that girl and boy roles fit very well into a socialised, stereotypical, heterosexual relationship but a girl and girl side results in a lot of competing elements and we are not just talking about the space on the bathroom shelf in front of the mirror! In the girl boy side we have roles these can be very blurred in the new lifestyle. How much of the time do you want to be in girl mode? Are you going to tell others?  Are you going to introduce the girl to your friends? Are you going to be allowed to indulge in the girl side on your own or are you going to be accompanied? How will you approach sex? When are you going to show the girl’s side to your partner? How do you tell them how you feel when dressed? How from your side would you see the relationship progressing and vice versa?  So many things to address far less the need for more wardrobe space!
You may be one of those very lucky ones who has a strong open-minded partner that will go with this. You may be one of the many whose partner does not agree with the girl side (principally because she only has room for the man in her life) but accepts that that person exists and has to be let out from time-to-time on their own. You may be the one who says that they will give it up but then comes back to it in secret again at some time in the future! Whatever may transpire you have to give it a go at trying to discuss things.
So let’s say you have decided to tell your partner or more likely your dirty sordid secret (your words not mine…oh well maybe I do think like that sometimes) has been discovered. It’s time to put up and try to sort the coming mess out. So what are the key factors for success? Probably the same as any good relationship.
  1. Being able to communicate with one another in an open and honest non-judgemental way. Genuinely listening to what each other is saying without thinking this is what I anticipate you are going to say! So many of us have forgotten how to listen, we are so intent on getting our point of view across we don’t really engage in what the other party is saying. Slow down and listen think about your response and then say it. A little pause for thought is worth its weight in any relationship. Talking is easy conversation is an art.
  2. Letting each other have their say. On the day you drop the bombshell there is no way this is going to be sorted out quickly. There will be so many questions arising. Why are you like this? Are you gay? Can you give it up? etc. etc. etc. You have had time to think about things , because you have read this! They need time to think, time to let them digest this bolt from the blue and to decide their course of action. If they cannot let their feelings out like you have then they just feel it’s being presented as a fait accompli in which they have no say. Do not try to drive the agenda too early, it will only end in pain.
  3. Having trust in one another that what you say is what you mean and that you are being honest. This is probably where most Trannies fall down because in the majority of cases we have declared our Transvestism at some point in our relationship after many years when our partner did not know. Personally I thought it was a phase I would get over, but somehow I never did! Now I am in the poop because I have hidden it for so long! How do I regain their trust having been a liar for so long? Trust is built over time and destroyed in a moment of stupidity, believe me!
  4. An ability for both of you to give and take. Too many Trannies I meet are so self-centred that they look at what is happening purely from their perspective. They are caught up in the fun of this wonderful short period of time. It is they that have decided to tell their partner or have been found out, it is they that want to drive the agenda their way and in many cases do not care for the consequences (see my article it’s a lonely life out there). The pursuit of being a TV can become such a strong drive that the compulsion stops them seeing things objectively as a result there is little or no chance of the relationship surviving. And there are a lot of unfulfilled Trannies out there. If they have been playing around and seeing mistresses or other TV’s and they think this can go on afterwards they are being delusional. They will be found out again. To stay together you need to change your mindset or agree between you what you can do if your partner allows a bit more openness in your relationship. And are you willing to give them similar freedoms. For example to go out with the local Rugby Club for a few drinks and a club after? Just some flirty fun nothing else! Honest!
  5. Having a willingness that you want to stay together. This is a must. You have to want to at least try to sort things out as you both feel you are better together than apart. Are you genuine soul mates? If so there is room for some movement. A lot of Trannies I know don’t have a sexual relationship with their partner and in some this T-universe is a substitute for that lack of sex. As a result the girl is allowed her times out because the core of their relationship is their friendship. Others survive because they allow each other to pursue their own interests and come together at times. Some have the worst nightmare where they stay together for the kids but pursue separate interests. Others as I said have the luck where the partner gets a boyfriend and a girlfriend and treats each differently. The overriding factor is that both (and I mean both of them) feel more comfortable together than either on their own or with someone else.
  6. Your partner loves you more than cares about what the neighbours think. I don’t care what most of us say Transvestites are still seen as an aberration in society. We are not ‘normal’ and long may it remain so! The social stigma of being with a Tranny is still difficult for many, particularly those over 40. The question is does your partner want to be seen with you in public and can take the talking behind their back that comes with it. I would suggest they do not want to be seen going out with you by your vanilla friends. Just because you have your little secret does not mean you have to splash it over the neighbourhood and have a detrimental effect on your partners life who somehow has to explain it to everyone. Be realistic they are going some of the way with you so do the same for them and don’t insist on your route and your route alone.A young woman and young man wearing pajamas in an airy modern kitchen talking over cups of coffee.
  7. You are both open to a plan. Like everything in life you must have an idea of where you are going, how you will resolve issues, agree what the limits are, what the penalties will be and then review it after say 3 months or so. Then make adjustments to the plan. If you recognise that it is not set in stone but something that evolves then you have the basis of a way forward if you want to.
Look it’s not going to be easy relationships never are. How did I do on this scale the first time Fail Fail Fail all my fault. How have I done more recently Pass, Fail, Pass, Fail, The Jury’s Out. The core of all the problem is Trust and Forgiveness. But you have to realise for some this is not possible, it’s just too big a step to live with a Transvestite, shame we offer so much! I need a drink things are getting awfully deep!!
Tara XXX
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